[Untitled]

2011-04-08T05:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired of the heartache...its so constant I'm feeling numb to it yet the emotions are still so real...I really really really want a break from all of this...if this goes on any longer I feel like I'll break for sure. Can this pain please just go away for good.

Nothing can be done to repair what we've become...we both do not see any way out of this.

I feel so alone, no one to talk to...you always have it your way, you set the time when you want to talk. when you don't feel like it you jsut shut me out...kick me out of the house...kick me out of the room...run away...make yourself uncontactable...yet when I do the same you go fkn crazy.

You call me uncompromising yet what you totally CAN'T fkn see is that you are the most uncompromising of all. Why is it then that you do not accept my perspective or feelings, and in fact call me a crazy bitch for even trying to voice my opinion immediately dismissing my opinion as prima facie invalid. Sounds familiar? And you wonder why I can't talk to you.

Everything that I did has a precedent. I think carefully about what I do, assessing them beforehand to make sure it is the right thing to do and there is a precedent that you set. I even use the exact same word you used to describe me!! You never apologized for it at all, don't feel the slight bit sorry and even accused me of making it up. Yet when I used the exact same words on you, you ignored me for a week and won't reconcile until I cry & beg & apologize and admit I'm all sorts of crazy thing.

Think about it.

Tonight you said I caused you a lot of trauma. I said you too, caused me a lot of trauma. Then all of the sudden you never said that I've caused you a lot of trauma! You get so angry at me for reasons I can't see, I don't know what I did wrong today.

You said you feel like you had to walk on thin ice with me and are unable to say anything bad about me....well that is exactly how I feel...remember for 6 months you refuse to talk to me about anything until I realized that you just didn't want to hear anything bad about yourself. I can't tell you anything bad because you'll go crazy like you do now....I felt last week was unfair because only you get to voice how you feel & I apologized...on reflection that's stupid of me. I've been restraining myself for many months from confronting you about issues that deeply traumatized me....things that you never apologize for....your method of dealing with your issues is to YELL AT ME...so much so that I feel to scared to express anything.

You REFUSE to accept that's how I feel about being unable to talk to you. I've told you many times that I've never felt such fear about talking to any of my peers except you....but of course you blame me and said its all my fault...completely refusing to accept that maybe its YOU who caused me to feel this way...the way you dismiss everything I say...the way you interrupted at every word I say so that I can't even say 2% of what I have to say...the way you get angry at what I say...the way you think I'm crazy, stupid and completely wrong

I don't know what the FK you want. I don't think you know either. You'll probably tell me X today and then want Y tomorrow. That's always how its been, no wonder I never know what's the right thing to do or say.

You demand of me what you yourself can't do.

So tired of this...I need certainty in my life coz I want to be in the position to plan it and do everything I want out of it...instead of making plans with you...only to have you run away and leaving me in limbo....so I can spend my weekends with no plans jsut lying around in bed

The second half of 2010 was the worst time of my life, I can say that with certainty. I don't know what I'm still doing with you when I hate my life so much being like this.

Sick of you controlling when where how what...I have no say in anything coz you can jsut ignore me and run away. It seems thats the way you enjoy doing things.

I want my life back.

YOU ARE HOLDING ME BACK from doing what I can with it.

28/02/11

2011-02-27T19:58:00.001-08:00

What to do...so many years yet I haven't really grown up much.

What to do with the jealousy, insecurity, needs and all other 'uncontrollable' emotions.

There is no one to tell me.

I'm looking for that exhilarating rush I once felt when I think of you...but too many things have happened to mar the feeling that the search becomes impossible.

I want it back...so very badly. What to do...

2010-03-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Feeling blue...I want to make someone happy and think I am happy to make certain compromises but...somehow its getting me down today. I'm falling...& let myself fall...rather than keep myself & my emotions in control...that's why I'm feeling so crazy recently...think that might be the trade off for moments of intense happiness, there has to be intense sadness to counterbalance...otherwise...melancholically happy is just not enough for me

24/03/10

2010-03-24T05:12:00.001-07:00

Walking down memory lane...switched on the laptop that I haven't used since my final year at uni in 2007. Found documents, conversations, songs...that brings me back to the not so distant past...all sorts of emotions well up in me.

I felt like I've stepped into the life of this girl...studying law at the University of Melboure, trying to find out what life is about, experiencing all sorts...happiness, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, frustration, angst, depression, excitement, achievement...

I need a cuddle from my baby...this mixbag of emotions is making me feel extremely vulnerable.

Finding my own happiness

2010-02-24T19:32:00.000-08:00

Haven't been eating much the last few days, haven't eaten at all today. Didn't sleep well last night coz I kept waking up feeling scared. Today at work I feel very tired, sleepy and have difficulty breathing. I don't feel like eating...maybe I just want to die from starvation but that won't be another 60 days...hopefully by then I would have come to my senses.

I'm trying my best to get my life in order again and fill this emptiness he left behind. Well I SHOULD be happy, anything is better than that boring, meaningless life that I couldn't get rid of because I don't have the courage to. I'll think only about what the future holds, not how 'great' the past was...I want to fill my future with greatness & more happiness than I can ever have.

But for now I have to get over this pain...it is inevitable and I've been avoiding it for so long. Everyone has been through this before, heck even I have been through this several times before. Its a big big big mess but I had, and must, clean this up.

When one door closes, another opens. Rather than stare at the closed doors, I'd look for the opened door.

Can't help but feel a little...I don't know...breaking up with me the week before he starts his very first full time job? All the while me supporting him financially while he bums around at home doing god knows what...I don't know what to make of it. It's like he's got nothing left to make use of me for, therefore into the bin I go.

Rather than feel old & unwanted, I should rejoice and celebrate my youth...start celebrating being single, meeting new people, doing new things...forget the past. Find my own happiness...if I can be happy with myself, then everything will fall into place.

021209

2009-12-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

Mark Holdern, ex Australian Idol judge, was admitted to legal practice on 15 September 2009 and signed to the Victorian Bar Roll on 19 November 2009. Don't believe it?? See http://www.vicbar.com.au/c.1.3.aspx?RollNumber=4264

Seriously??! Will he give me a touchdown if I deliver a kickarse speech in court? I wonder if I'll get to meet him when I'm networking with the barristers...perhaps the Law Institute of Victoria's Christmas Party next week.

20/11/09

2009-11-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

I have a trade mark file where instructions had only been given via the telephone and electronic communication (i.e. email). For many months, I have only been corresponding via email with the clients and its main company in France. Thought nothing about it although I do have images in my mind of what those names on my screen would look like in person. C sounds like a young chap with a well-endowed body, S & E would perhaps be grumpy old men at the top of their career in France.

The matter has been excruciatingly painful only because of the extreme difficulty in obtaining instructions and getting documents signed. Today a conference has been organised to finalize certain bits and pieces.

S turned out to be a young(ish) French bloke oozing with sex appeal and exudes such charm, I couldn't stop staring at him. When I talked, he looked me straight in the eyes. My heart was pounding from the very moment he shook my hands and opened his mouth to produce such sexy French accent.

All throughout the conference, all I could think about was how could anyone look so hot & sexy. My enjoyment was short-lived because the conference ended in less than 15 minutes. Back in my office my heart was still pounding, rather like an adolescent girl with a massive crush...I kicked myself for not blotting & powdering my face...wondered if my K by Karl Lagefeld top is suitably impressive for this occassion...upset at myself for biting my nails and not giving them enough loving attention...gotta tuck in that belly too.

Alas...back to the real world.

20/08/08

2008-08-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

I cringe like never before having 'perused' all these rubbish that passes for blog entries. Having in my opinion matured tremendously since the last blog entry given that I have started my position as an Articled Clerk at a law firm in Melbourne and presenting the more sophisticated side of myself everyday, I think I'm quite grown out of representing myself in the manner that I did previously and airing my dirty laundry so freely.

I commenced 'full-time' work in about December last year. The definition of 'full-time' under the Workplace Relations Act very generally is a 38 hour week or a 40 hour week plus leave at a set time, which does not quite apply to my circumstance as the firm is short staffed and my Principal is unable to find quality solicitors to fill the vacancy. I stress "Quality" solicitor because there had been quite a few application for the past year and a bit but with no prospects. This leaves the remaining staff to perform all the tasks that were previously and would have been allocated to former solicitors of the firm which also means longer hours.

At times I feel overworked and underpaid. My life revolves around work and seemingly nothing else. I lose the ability to enjoy life and all the little things that I used to love, private time becomes more precious and social life is merely taking away from my rest and recuperation period.

I'm glad that I am actually enjoying work because I wouldn't have survived otherwise, although a payrise would be quite nice. A few employment matter arose that came under my care and as a matter of curiosity I looked up the Legal Profession Award. At the moment I believe the accounts department placed me under the Federal Minimum Wage which in comparison with the Award is about AUD$8,000 p.a. below my entitlements.

This is not inclusive of any overtime.

On a slightly different note and in relation to the purpose of this blog, I realised that it has already been about 9 months when I started this full time position. Most of the time, its the weekend that I look forward to, and come Sunday night its the next weekend that I focus on. Time passes in blocks of the 7 day week with the weekends being the landmark, and no wonder I didn't even think I am more than a month into this position. Of course my Articled Clerkship officially commences on 18 January 2008 rather than December 2007 when I filed my papers with the Supreme Court of Victoria, which means that I would only be granted my Practising Certificate in or about February 2009.

The advent of Facebook reconnects me in a 'third-party-ish' way to the people I used to know in high school especially as of late and it just never fails to surprise me how everyone has changed. But for the problematic internet connection at work and the lack of available time at home to utilize the broadband connection, I think I do enjoy just that tiny bit (for lack of proper vocabulary) 'stalking' and seeing how friends and acquiantances have changed. Perhaps this led me to believe that I am reacquainting myself with some sort of social life.

7.08pm alone at work. I'm surprised that the Principal and this other solicitor actually left work early today. I decided to stay and finish this semi-dirty letter to a solicitor for the business partner of a client.

There is so much enjoyment to be had from writing dirty letters. Perhaps this may reflect a strong vindictive tendency in myself, but I think the other solicitor enjoy writing dirty letters too. This is especially so when the dirty letter is directed at someone I had a personal and professional grudge against. I can feel myself 'laughing out loud' inside for every word I type, in fact I carefully and intentionally craft each phrase to sound superficially polite and accommodating but with the intended effect of (again for lack of vocabulary) a real and immediate threat - at all times in a legal fashion of course.

One thing that hasn't really changed is my indifference to structuring blog entries in a coherent manner. As a result, most entries are quite disjointed and reflects my (mostly) aimlessly wandering mind. This NEVER happens at work of course, I am very serious about structure and coherence and am quite proud of this, otherwise my Principal would, in her words, bite my bum. It's just easy and fun writing just whatever aimlessly sometimes.

blah

2007-10-02T23:39:00.001-07:00

Omg I'm so tired now...from running around campus, concentrating & taking notes in classes and all other miscellaneous responsibilities. I feel like dropping my head on my keyboard from exhaustion...the thought of going to kendo in 20 minutes is not appealing at the moment!

1) People should be banned from going out in a knee-length flowy dress matched with a pair of tights (cringes), pink socks and a pair of very dirty & worn out runners (dies) AND...a Karen Millen jacket in mismatching colors. I feel like...I have committed a horrible sin. I've been feeling weird and uncomfortable all day - I saw my friends and other miscellaneous law students in the girls changeroom and they're all so meticulously dressed up. What can I say for myself?!

I guess being horribly mismatched is still a step up from wearing my PJs to uni like the bum I used to be (and probably still am). I brought minimal make up to uni but I didn't even have the time to THINK about putting them on. First, of course, I still need a comb or a brush to comb my hair for the first time in years.

Nooo...!!! In my first year of uni, I used to spend an hour and half preparing for uni. Now I am perfectly capable of taking 30 seconds to get from the bed to the door. To law???!!

I went to an interview in a law firm once right after kendo, carrying all that heavy shit and I don't even have the proper formal clothing in my possession. Mismatching skirt and suit, crinkly and unwashed jacket, unsuitable informal open heels and a casual shirt-like top that barely passes for a shirt.

And no wonder I was rejected :)

I am supposed to proceed to (2) but (1) is all I can think about now.

On a totally different note, I have to applaud Neostrata. AHA removes all the gunk in my face and the blackheads that used to reside permanently on my face are gone forever. I cannot imagine living life without it - I went to Gold Coast and missed using Neostrata for a day and whoa...I had to extract the blackheads on my nose that night and they're all half a centimetre strands that came off my fingernails (bad, I know), 1mm apart. How disgusting is that!

It is a lesson well-learnt and I never strayed from Neostrata ever again...!

2007-05-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

I should post more often but for my laziness.

Wednesday kendo started off badly - my cuts are sloppy and I can't seem to do much about it, plus - this is the norm btw - I get so tired from just a few warm up cuts. I know I definitely need to improve my fitness level if I want to get anywhere in kendo. Anyway, I thought jigeiko was good. I like jigeiko with Andy because I feel like I can score although I don't score - maybe its the fact that he is not as defensive as anyone else. I felt like I did a great jigeiko - he told me that I'm more focussed this time and ready to attack. From my point of view, I just felt more confidence in my cuts from the longer warm up kihons we had

Friday was good because I can take my time to correct aspects of my kendo that I really want to improve on but didn't have the chance at normal trainings because we just don't do enough kihons! I am so happy to realize that I have eliminated by double-step. Now its just one step with a great fumikomi. Chris P later came to correct my posture, apparently i have my upper body forwards and had my lower body left behind, so he pushed me off on my bum with his shinai. That kinda mean I have to thrust my pelvis forwards? I tried that and it helps my left foot move forward faster to keep the body balance. Yay! It helps with not 'leaving the body behind'.

Khay Lin's advice when I was at Fudoshin about my right hand's tenouchi...I was finally about to work this out, although I sacrifice the straightness of my cut a little; Andy told me that it's going off to the right. Kate's advice on tense lower limbs and abs while maintaining a very relaxed shoulder and arms. I thought of Kevin Chin and hmmm that seems like the correct posture, so I had an image of him in my head all the time when I tried to relax my shoulders and tense my abs and legs. It works although it means I can't do the Andrew style straight big men cut with hands stretched out as far as possible. I can't do it without sacrificing my relaxed shoulders. Maybe I don't actually need to be so uber relaxed or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I'll have to try to work this out sometime. Anyway I did quite a few sets of 10 continuous men cuts on my brother. I wish I could do this more often!

Monday Kendo was alright, I didn't feel like my fumikomi was as great as it was on Friday and I still do the occassional double-step during the fast uchikomi and jigeiko. My cut is still short, which means I didn't push off enough with my left foot. Kate told me off for not pushing with my left leg harder. I find this quite hard probably because I wasn't concentrating on this enough. It'll probably be as awkward as when I upgrade to the one-step cut.

Son tried to avoid DB by forcing me to line up between him and DB, but sensei told us to form another line so that means Son gets DB and I escaped into the other line. IN YOUR FACE! God has his/her/its own ways of punishing people ;)

Anyway I realize that I need to be faster and in order to do that I need to be more relaxed. It really helps with the speed of my sayumen cuts in kirikaeshi. Still an image of Kevin Chin constantly in my head...must be like KevC, must be like KevC...I also need more confidence with my cuts because I still feel as if the actions are quite unfamiliar.

Also need to work on kikentainoichi. A few people told me that my kiai comes way after my cut. I don't even realize this!

I don't understand why I feel so sleepy in the daytime. I'm quite nocturnal...I'm sure all university students are :( At least those my age, not Son's.

2007-04-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think that perhaps its the PMS that is contributing so generously to my irritability. The glaring sun in the morning makes it definitely a bad day. Don't you hate the sun? I'd like also not to think about how life suck in general AND in so many specific ways.

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want to go back to the way things were before...

My holiday suck balls. Even then, the post-holiday depression isn't the least bit better.

I don't want to grow old and boring...I can feel the wrinkles forming under my eyes already. What happened to the 3am nights? I shoo myself to bed at 10pm nowadays, regardless of whether or not I can actually sleep.

When Ren's teeth fall out, there were only the nerve endings. I think that describes me right now; my nerve endings are exposed and the slightest touch would push me to the edge...I bottled up everything, too afraid to say anything lest I worsen the situation...but it has come to a point where the cumulative effect of everything that is or had been wrong is really just...breaking me apart. I can't take so much stress. This had persisted for a while and I know you don't even care anymore.

They haunt me in my dreams...everything that I had attempted to suppress. They were vivid...I can feel real depression...anger...disappointment...fear...What the fark is going on with me...I can't calm down enough to do anything.

Go away, damnit.

"ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITAAAAA!!!!!!" screams Ben Sensei

2007-04-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

I'm quickly running out of things to blog. Since someone's kendo blog was abandoned, I have taken it upon myself to start my very own.

To those who miss out on today's Friday morning training - I assure you that you're missing out majorly. For the first time in ages, both Ben and Yakov sensei were at the training. I was so pleasantly surprised I sms-ed Yvonne telling her to come but I think she woke up at 9am. Attendance includes Andrew and Chris P (which don't really count because they spent the entire hour just doing kata), Andy, Son, Alex and me; so obviously I'm the crappiest one there.

We did the usual kirikaeshi, kihon men, kote, doh, nidan waza and sandan waza. I hate this, but we moved on to jigeiko. I don't know what's with me and jigeiko - its a hate-hate relationship. It really brings out my true personality and sometimes I'm afraid I might just cross that boundary into being an emo. Am I? No I'm not, I don't think so...I like wearing bright yellow.

Son v Pei
This is bad. I think I gave up 30 seconds into jigeiko. I know I can't get any cuts and this thought is quite overwhelming; I got quite scared and was shocked to discover that I wanted to cry and step out of training. Maybe this could be attributed to the depression I had been feeling from yesterday? I will myself to pull myself together but the fear was overpowering, hmm...not that I fear Son per se. I know he was annoyed at me and that just worsen my fear. Plus, what really intimidates me at jigeiko is when the opponent deliberately opens for me. I can't explain why. It was crap...actually, I was crap not 'it'. I don't want to feel this way.

Alex v Pei
My shoulders, arms, hands and fingers were so tense they hurt, but I was able to jigeiko relatively normally with him. He was good at finding the timing for hikimen. I'm not sure why I can't execute my hikikote, the only cut I seem to manage to get. I tried small fast cuts, but they still turn out big and slow, so that I give the opponent more than plenty of time to react or defend. I still go for kote because it is slightly nearer and seemed more 'reachable'. I only go for men when the opening is more obvious i.e. when the shinai is way out of the way. Why doesn't sensei or anyone else conducting the training give me more practice with the small cuts +_+ I want to work on that

Son v Pei round 2
I know he would be better off doing jigeiko with Ben sensei...I didn't really want to jigeiko with him because it'll be a waste of his time, plus it will make him miss his turn with Ben sensei. I can tell that he is getting more annoyed at me T_T I want to pack my things and go...quit kendo forever. He threatened to tickle me, so I have no choice but to attack. We had a few ippon shobu's. It's a bad habit but I usually let my opponent score the point just so it'll end, even if we had a good jigeiko.

Ben v Pei
This jigeiko is similar to Son's. I hate myself for feeling so intimidated and I'm going to get so much shit for being a Survivor Anthony. I don't know where it came from. Actually, I do know - it's just me :( I try not to show it but I'm quite scared of a lot of things, people included. I'm a loner and I give up easily. Ben sensei noticed it and made me do a kiai practice. He said to not swallow my kiai (i.e. to kiai 'men' rather than '*en' and kote rather than '*te') and that my kiai comes a fraction after the cut. I have to be more 'genki' and throw myself into the cut (sutemi) i.e. committment to the cut. I find it hard to be aggressive at kendo, maybe its a personality thing? I still feel too embarassed to kiai...I feel like I have a funny voice and everyone's going to laugh at me.

Yakov v Pei
Sensei was really kind to me and made all sorts of subtle moves to give me the opportunity to cut without being obvious at all. Like a missed kote without a strong zanshin, exposing the men. My fear dissipated somewhat. He gave similar advice to Ben's i.e. stronger kiai and zanshin, kiai coming a fraction after the cut. I've never noticed that my kiai is not timed to coincide with my cuts - even Alex noticed it.

After training, I was somewhat consoled when he told me that I have very good kihon and techniques, that my posture is really good and he thinks I have the straightest posture in the entire club (w00t!). I don't feel that way though, Son thinks I have a Dieter's posture on Wednesday, obviously he doesn't know better ;) My techniques are too sloppy, I want to be more like Ben's kihon. He didn't look like he's moved at all - its like a statue being moved on a cart, forward movements with the entire body but no other unnecessary movements.

Anyway, getting back to sensei's advice. He said that since my kihon's already so good, the next stage I should seek to overcome is the 'fast and aggressive' bit in jigeiko. More kiai and zanshin, more attacking. Sometimes I wonder if he's just making me feel good when he said my kihon is quite perfect...blah.

Like Cain said...don't think, just do it. Thinking creates a virtual vortex in your mind. Wastes time.

Its the post holiday depression. So much work to do, so little time. I can't believe I spent so much time looking for a job too and got rejected at every occassion. I'm not quite capable of funding myself...law suck. I wished I had done a different degree.

2006-10-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

Within this blog post is nothing of substance

Still waiting...

2006-10-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

I'm munching on that piece of intricately decorated Patchi chocolate which I didn't think I would consume for fear of ruining the deco.

This is so depressing...what should I do :'( Maybe a hot shower can cure this or a DIY facial or some other forms of pampering or maybe a shopping spree for my Gucci bag and a pair of designer sunnies. Or maybe walk to safeway and get more chocolate or cook Hiro-style crepes or read all my Cosmo and Cleos. Anything! Before I finish my piece of chocolate and not know what to do.

Or maybe less angsty blog post and actually start some positive action. I want green hair!

~Untitled~

2006-09-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is called.

Falling into an addictive cycle of depressive thoughts. Silly thoughts, no doubt.

Smiling when I'm crying. I lay my head on your shoulder and quietly cried to myself - but you'll never know that only inches away, my eyes are red and sore. I'll never show you.

A little confused last night. Can there never be some kind of proper communication going on here...it sent my imaginations wild.

I give up.

Untitled

2006-09-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

I can feel my heart breaking but I put on a smile for you. I can't tell you how I feel and I can't ask for more because I care too much...

When you turned away, I can feel it ripping. I harbour a glimmer of hope that maybe you might care enough to take another look at me. I had been waiting so long for an indication of your presence...I thought you might care just that little bit more when I'm this sick and needed a little attention.

All-nighters. The deja-vu of loneliness...it's not a good idea at all.

Smile hard pei...you know you need to :)

Untitled

2006-09-06T23:04:00.000-07:00

Listening to and distracted by songs on my iTunes. I suppress the fear, confusion and sadness, trying hard not to be crazy but still wondering if I could never live up to all the wonderful persons in your past...

Would you be willing to compromise all that you have now simply to hang on to the very last bit of memory that was left. Would you rather have gone back...

Am I ever going to be good enough.

2006-05-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

http://spaces.msn.com/pei168

I hate to abandon blogspot but I'm not woman enough to multitask.

All Hail Plankton!!!

2006-04-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

You can do it, baby! Ganbatte! Cognitive therapy, remember. Positive thoughts.

Your kendo looks good! (shite, ok so maybe no blatant lies) You can finish ur essay in time and achieve a good mark! You can finish reading all the materials for your subjects! You can pass and maybe get good grades! And you know your baby loves you, hun...he's not going anywhere, you're not going anywhere. My life is meaningful :D I have loads of things I want and could do. I have friends and I have a family to rely on. Yay, and I'm always happy!!!

2006-04-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. Realllllly bored. La la la.

My attempts at make up is as unsuccessful as it can get. I really can't do it without my black kohl eyeliner :/ I had wanted black hair with blue streaks for years. No one will allow me to do that. It's that frustrating.

What I do when I'm bored:-
Think about how bored I am and think about how life sucks and subsequently feel negatively about self. Think about the things I have to do and the things I'm missing out on, cbf doing anything about the situation and then feel bad about it. Seriously...I need to grow up.

I'm not very religious, but sometimes I felt the need to visit a church. Someone who is this afraid of ghost must be really lost. I don't know why I'm scared, I just am. Must be some childhood scar or something LOL. My parents used to make an effort to scare us shitless with stupid ghost stories >:O That's not healthy for a child's mental development I think! Or is it just me...damn.

Headache and nausea. Thats because I have been living solely on bread with nutella for the past week. Actually, according to Patrick, it's more like eating nutella with a little bread on it.

2006-04-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Life is meaningless without sadness. Happiness does not make you feel alive; it is more a distraction from the default sadness.

That is not to say life has a meaning. My shrink likes to describe it as a homogenous hollow. Sounds good but means the same, only with different associations.

Is life really about sadness? After 2 decades of contemplating this notion of 'life', I can't feel happiness as anything more than a distraction anymore. Happiness is meaningless and empty after all...I was disappointed to discover this.

I hate my counsellor. I don't necessarily like my shrink either.

I sense a radical change in my emotional self after that incident nearly a month ago. The default self has shifted from 'neutral' to 'sadness'...strangely enough, for a period of years not too long ago, I was frustrated with my lack of emotions especially those associated with 'sadness'. Now I have too much of it. Can such emotions be accumulated?

My shrink doesn't understand me; or so he says. I'm too full of contradictions. I could be both ends of extremes. Maybe I don't have a personality. Maybe I wake up a different person each morning. Maybe someone shifts the position of my bed each night when I'm asleep -_-"

Tired and overate and disgusted with myself. I need a life.

2006-03-24T22:35:00.000-08:00

Love is an obsessive compulsive disorder, according to the National Geographics. Why do we expose ourself to this mental disease in the first place? Okay. Get rid of it.

I've decided that cornrows won't go that well with my new gothic fettish. I'm upgrading my wardrobes with more stuff from those shops that sell those black outfits. At the same time, I'm on a budget. Difficult, difficult.

I have to move on and enjoy the pleasures of life.

2006-03-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Ah my birthday. It was agessss ago, and I'm supposed to blog on it.

My first pressie came from my beautiful aunty, of whom I am the 'knees' of (affectionately...for 'niece') but whom I introduce as my 'cousin' because she's a year younger than me. I receive this Le Pot Chocolat thats similar to the suckao containers at Max Brenners; and the association with chocolate immediately gave me that false sugar high excitement. She put so much thought into the bday card! I love the drawings and the 'songs'; my genius muso aunt. I think hand-made cards or personalised ready-made cards are so thoughtful.

UMKC-wise. Roxy organized dinner at Mosskito and I was supposed to get pissed drunk. She (and everyone else) bought me this black coat/jacket from sportsgirl which I had really liked when we went shopping :D It's the BEST birthday present ever! I was made to model/pose/twirl wearing my bday pressie while they take pictures or videos of me doing my embarassing thing. So I went to each individual and repeat the twirling thing and dangling the bling necklace from Janice in their faces. I bet they'd have nightmares for a while from such a traumatic incident. Anyway, response to the writings in the card...

JANICE: YES I LIKE PINK! I'm wearing pink all the time now :D Just ask Vincci, yesterday she commented that I'm always so pink. We should get pink doh too. You know, Hiro told me that there's a girls team from a high school in Tokyo who uses all pink standard doh's!

KONG: Arh I think its really you who enjoys watching shows...and not that I can't watch before I'm 21 either. And operation shit-face failed. Kinda. Haha.

VINCCI: Eepp, thanks; like I say I really like the pressie!

ROXY: w00t~ 21! Thanks for organizing and stuff :D Sorry my system seems to be overwhelmed by the sudden enormous intake of alcohol, so I missed out on the drunk stage! Went straight to the uber hung-over stage...ugh. So sad.

VIKTOR: How on earth did you learn to write chinese like that? Or have you been practising that 3 words for every single birthday card you sign? ;P Btw I told u just the day before that patrick's going to be back that day, not 2 days after. Haha, you never seem to get the date correct! That's the second time.

RINA & SONOKO: Hey thanks for turning up; my Japanese still suck so I was struggling hard to think up some sentences in Japanese. But in the end I was too embarassed to say them out LOL.

PETE: Tequila next time! Demo ima clubbing wa dame da...juugyou ga arunda. STupid bar closed so early...and I've been a good girl, staying away from alcohol all these time. Not a drop of alcohol since!

JESSIE: Hey kid, you got my title wrong. I'm NOT your great grandma. That's Meijimaru. I'm your great great grandma! Unless I got everything confused again :/ Yipes, I need a few minutes to think.

CAIN: What? That's all? What am I supposed to say?

ANTHONY: Thanks to you, now I am 'Pui'. No such disrespect to your master, Dobbie. No kirikaeshi for me; least of all 21 of them. Now I get tired from doing just 2 kirikaeshi...I'll have to hang myself before I do 21.

FERRUS: What anniversary? Dude, polish up your Malay!

PEYANG: At least Peyang still maintains his excellant Malay language skills :D Unlike me or reuben...Haha but the translation made me laugh!

KEVIN: Hidoi hidoi hidoi hidoi hidoi. Erm, ok that's not a response to anything you've written on my card >:D But it gives me pleasure to say that. Hidoi.

Hidoi. Hidoi. Hidoi.

*******************************************
LINWEI: You're special too coz I leave the best for the last :D Also you should be so proud of your great grandma because she is not yet senile; she is only a little bit crazy. So although she may be doing stupid things, her memory, alas, still remains crystal clear! She remembers very clearly that some unfilial descendant of hers had forgotten to wish her a happy bday and had attempted to bluff her great grandma by wishing a happy belated bday thinking that her great grandma wouldn't notice. Hmmm....do you want me to put a frame for your message too? :D Look it's framed -_-"
*******************************************

Anyway, turned out that only a few spoonfuls of my cheesecake was eaten. So sad...I'm not sure what's happening with the thingo. I'd better call Kong up; for all I know it might be rotting at his place. And I didn't get drunk. It felt worse than dying - not that I know what dying is like. But I've never felt as bad as this all my life...I thought I was going to die :/ Yipes. Do you call that hang-over? I went from sober --> slightly tipsy --> horrible and totally hung-over. Notice the missing link. Yes, the 'drunk' and 'pissed' and 'happy & high' bit. Disappointment with myself!

BF-wise. Well I've already written about it. The Marilyn Monroe version of Happy Birthday. And English and chinese and the monkey version. At 12.00.01 a.m. 7th February 2006.

My parents gave me the newest Biotherm mask :D

Hope I didn't missed out on anyone/anything! I'm too tired to be detailed or articulate now.

To be or not to be? That is the question.

2006-03-05T07:17:00.000-08:00

This is slowly and steadily driving me crazy. It seemingly gets worse each night; I was nearly screaming with the mental torture awhile ago and finding the extreme need to talk to someone, I have decided that my blog is again my best friend.

I wasn't near tears yesterday. Maybe I was when I wrote that somehwat inappropriate e-mail that shall remain unsent. Why???!!!

Mistake after mistake, I had persisted in this path for reasons unknown even to me. I have already lost the battle, that I know. So what would you call this journey? The inability to adapt to changes, inertia, inflexibility, irrationality or mere stupidity or laziness.

I must have articulated this so many times before so that whatever I have to say shall be rendered redundant. There is nothing I can say. Nothing can change.

If you can put a value to me, I think I am worth a chuppa chup. If my value is a reflection of your consistent perception of me, then it is not hard to work out what that image amounts to. I cannot demand more, I cannot change a person nor do I have the intentions to do so; I do think that would be insincere change.

Thoughts have robbed me of sleep. Imaginations. Filling in the gaps and details with such clarity I am almost witnessing the event itself. So obsessed I am with this mental picture it haunts me at night, in the day, at home, on a shopping spree, during housework, studying, chatting, lazing around. The selfish nature of human being compels my mind to a comparison of myself to another highly prized being; the inevitable feelings of being unloved did not spare me one bit. More thoughts, more imaginations and details ensues, completing this vicious chain of repeatitive cycle.

Robbed of sleep...what can I do? I pray for a resolution...I am bleeding for one.

;D

2006-02-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

Hohoho.

HOHOHO!!!

HOHOHO!!!

HOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!

Come on people, write your blogs. Entertain me *yawns*.

2006-02-27T05:07:00.000-08:00

My blogging habit has dwindled somewhat and I'm letting my blogs die away. I remember a time when I used to update my blog so often I'd kill myself if I write the 3rd blog entry for the day. What is blogging for anyway? Always, I write silly stupid entries that only further show how silly and stupid I am. Maybe yes I write out of boredom; I stay cooped up at home all day going insane with the monotony and there the pc/laptop lay so invitingly...I just have to fiddle with the keyboard.

But now, I'm not saying I have 'better' things to do, I'm just saying I'm not cooped up as often anymore. I don't leave my pc on 24/7 for downloads; I'm just using the internet casually. The internet is not my life anymore, thankfully; and I can live without MSN. Why am I paying for the 512kbps internet connection for...I probably don't need it. Sigh. I guess I am wasteful in many ways and I try to curb myself but sometimes its just not possible or I just didn't try hard enough.

The house is 'lively' once again with two of my housemates back and my brother starting his foundation course. It used to be just big and hollow the past 2 months. I'm glad I'm still on talking terms with C :D I'll try not to do anything stupid again. Well thinking back I think I know why I deserve the cold treatment; it's weird how I never notice things about myself until some period of time has past and I would be able to see the incidents from an 'observers' point of view. I guess I'll hate myself too. I've forgotten all the justifications I once had for things I've done and I guess that gives me a neutral stance. Maybe...

I hate myself now for doing certain things. It's like I don't know what's right or wrong anymore, and I don't even know the right/wrong distinction in which sense. I had wanted to ask that question on Sunday, but I'll just sound stupid. There are many questions I'd like answers to. Like when WT mentioned the concept of heaven/hell. I feel a little helpless for being so unknowledgeable - for some reasons, this is unforgivable because I am the daughter of a dcs. But I was never exposed to the Tao until now. No, even now, I don't know what I'm learning or if we're even learning. Haha. This is one reason to hate me. Anyway, I'm glad I suggested that we have a talk for the youth group more frequently :D although once a month isnt all that frequent at all...but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm in charge of the 'set and costume design' for the play and I'm really nervous about doing a good job. What if I did a shitty job...it'll all be my fault. Maybe I'm not good enough to be the leader of the group...I don't have leadership qualities, I hate bossing people around and I can't motivate people. The last session went quite well, but I don't know...that isn't really any indication.

I don't know what I want of a relationship. I think I'm not ready, yet I have this nagging desire for one (which may be a result of external factors). Maybe I'm just bored and need someone to ease my boredom, maybe what I need is more friends. I felt happy being single except I don't do much socialising and I don't keep close friends which contributes to the boredom factor. But I felt more in tune with my soft side now; the weak, irrational bit that's of much annoyance and makes women incomprehensible. Hey I wasn't like that when I was single! I was almost a complete opposite.

I'm crashing the 9am tute tomorrow and my fked up sleeping pattern isnt getting any better if I continue staying up so late. I'll have to skip more after kendo dinners from now on if I were to make it to class in time...I felt so sad. I'm already behind in my studies from day 1.

2006-02-22T04:32:00.000-08:00

Would anyone like to dare me to do cornrows? :D Well not dreadlocks because that will permanently damage my hair. But cornrows are close enough. Then we can have a cornrows group in UMKC.

I just had my haircut so mebbe in a few weeks or months ;) w00t~

Test

2006-02-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: pyau

Drinks drinks drinks

2006-02-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

I have as of today, 15th January 2006, sworn to quit alcohol forever unless the purpose for consumption is self-induced death, unbearable pain, bad skin and retching.

*****************************************************
1.0 Definitions
1) 'Alcohol' shall thereafter refer to alcoholic drinks.
2) 'Consumption' shall thereafter refer to the consumption of alcoholic drinks

2.0 Declaration
This shall thereafter amend the declaration of 15th January 2006 above. I have as of today, 6th February 2006, sworn to consume as much alcohol to my heart's content or to my early demise, whichever is earlier. Demise here shall be read in accordance with the Human Tissue Act 1982, either by brain death or circulatory death.

3.0 Breach of Rules
A person found to be in breach of the following rules shall suffer my wrath on the closest date of a kendo training session by the University of Melbourne Kendo Club in the kendo dojo at either the West Stadium of the 1st floor of the Sports Centre of the University of Melbourne or any place as specified for that particular kendo training session, at a time allocated for that training which shall be taken to commence at 5.30pm and finish at 7.30 unless otherwise advised by the University of Melbourne Kendo Club president or other comittee members or the Sensei.

4.0 Prevention of Consumption
1) No one shall, in any capacity, be authorised to prevent or to aid, abet or procure the prevention of my consumption or desire for consumption in any circumstances.
2) No exception applies and reasonableness shall not be grounds for excuse.

5.0 Provision of Information
1) A person shall, upon my request, provide information regarding any particular alcohol and this shall include alcoholic volume, name, taste, place of origin, effect and such other as necessary or specified, to the best of her/his knowledge or belief.
2) If a person possess no such knowledge or belief, she/he shall refer me to another with such knowledge or belief.
3) A person shall impart such information in good faith.
4) Occassions of misrepresentation, fraud, breach of trust, undue influence, malice, fraudulent intentions or other conditions of the mind shall cause the perpetrator to be held liable under the civil laws of Victoria.

6.0 Obtaining Alcohol
1) A person shall, upon my request, obtain or aid, abet or procure the obtaining of alcohol for my consumption.
2) If a person, by any reasonable grounds, is unable to obtain or to aid, abet or procure the obtaining of alcohol for my consumption, she/he shall be excused subject to a proper application for leave.

7.0 Reasonableness
Reasonableness in any case shall be determined to my own discretion

*******************************************************

Really stupid. Just bored.

bdae

2006-02-07T01:55:00.000-08:00

I didn't withold this information, really. Perhaps I'm just not enthusiastic enough about my birthday. I've never really celebrated it - for one thing my family doesn't care about birthdays, I get presents all year long ;) And probably also doesn't believe this is one day I should be treated better than yesterday or tomorrow. Another thing is its always in the holidays.

I am so unenthusiastic about my birthday that it took some reminding for me to realize that it's an important birthday. My 21st bday. That means I can vote in Malaysia...not really something I'd like to do anyway since we all know the present government will be there forever.

The best birthday present I've received so far (and its only one so far...) is a rendition of Marilyn Monroe's version of the birthday song. I love it! I wouldn't mind receiving it again ;) Can I have that again pretty please?

I have no plans to celebrate at the moment because of the upcoming exams and I'll be fked if I don't get more studying done. But after the 21st Feb, I'll give myself a birthday present and drink myself to death. Ah. Perfect. And then I'll drink again to celebrate the end of holidays, before uni starts.

My dad just told me they've got me some presents. Cosmetics and skin care product. Coolies! My life-saver. I'm a skin care product addict. Family always know what you want best - I'm not complaining about presents, but even though they're mostly thoughtful I'd mostly be -_-" (if you understand that facial expression).

Okay I'll tell you what I want. That black dress I talked about on my other blog (http://spaces.msn.com/pei168/PersonalSpace.aspx), LOL. Nah, I'm over it. I've curbed my desire for more material possessions. Not until I've cleared up that warzone I call 'my room'. It's worse than ever now and I have to jump around when I weave my way from the door to the pc desk 2 metres away). You can sing me the Marilyn Monroe version of Happy Birthday instead ;) or give me a car.

And I'll be back to more Civil Litigation. What a way to spend a bday.

Happy New Year

2006-01-28T05:34:00.000-08:00

First up, Happy Chinese New Year!

I had been happily passing the last few days. At least it seems like a few days; for all I know, it might just have been a day. Alas, I have lost track of time...what was a week now seems like a month; and only through frustrating over his absence did I realize that my sense of time is screwed up...

I thought of Nancy in Sin City. Sending unreplied letters every week for 8 years...that is a feat I must salute. I do wonder, won't the recipient fade...gradually lose the clarity and sharpness then finally disappear from the mind? As they get more distant each day and my life changes and adapts to their absence...build around their absence and possibly even learn to reject their intrusion should there be a day when...the letter is replied. Or when he broke out of prison and met Nancy.

You know, I think I could have done so much more outside of this law degree. I know I'm not this stupid...to be on the brink of failing everytime and to live in constant fear of crossing that mark. I felt that law is dulling my brain, making me stupider each day.

Excuses? No. Fkn no.

On a happier note, he called me again today :) I know I shouldn't keep waiting online...I have that assignment to worry about. Waiting for him is a habit I can't get rid of. Not yet.

untitled 50

2006-01-22T03:51:00.000-08:00

I know full well that alcohol does not solve any sort of problems, but I want to drink anyway. I know it is an artificial means of attempting to escape. Rather than facing what I must, I have chosen to disregard the existance of certain facts and in doing so, generating the false hope that they do not in fact exist.

Some people can be so thick it's unbelievable. Or maybe some people have chosen not to express. You know, I wish you'll care more, take more interest.

There is a reason why I think your words are merely lip-service. Empty. Because action speaks louder than words, dear.

"Love is never love until it is given away". Do you understand this phrase? Because if you don't, I will be happy to go into an elaboration of it. It hurts to hear you say that your incapability of showing love is an inherent characteristic in you that defines who you are and thus is a trait that you couldn't change.

It doesn't make much sense to me. It's like saying, the way I drink is to NOT drink. Or the way I sit is to not sit. The way I sleep is to not sleep.

I thought I know you weren't really evading certain issues that I was dying to discuss. But the more you shun them aside, the more I began to doubt my initial assumptions. Do you mean what you say? Will you break your promises again? Will you disappoint me again?

Forgive me, send me to hell. But I find it so hard to trust your words. I do not demand chilvary, although it would certainly flatter me; but there are some fundamental values the absence of which I could not tolerate. You know I'm very easy-going...but easy-going people do get hurt too.

So...I passed by a liqour store just a few hours ago; but the sight of vodka drove me away. I guess I still haven't overcome my vodka-phobia after that night of continual puking. Warm sake is good...I will visit the Asian grocery store sometime this week and drink alone.

Aha. Alcohol. That's the way this relationship started. Fk-ed up? Or is that why I need more alcohol to deal with relationship problems.

asdf

2006-01-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

Friendless and all alone. Fkn loser.

I will get some alcohol. Soon-ish. Not vodka, not spirits. Sake? Beer? Sounds cool. Or even better, that really bad chinese wine.

My brother was an alcoholic. I'm going to be an alcoholic. It's in the family. Except none of my family members or relatives ever drink...oh let's set a trend.

"Leaving Las Vegas". Drink to my death. Who cares about bad skin. Why do people stop me? Guilty-conscience? Some unwritten moral principles? Why don't you tell me why?

I want my alcohol.

www.colorquiz.com

2006-01-09T01:20:00.000-08:00

I'm bored. Very bored. Very not in the study mood. Humans are not made to take summer school. On the other hand, I'll be bored to death if I don't have uni and had stayed in Malaysia. It's a double-edged sword...

Ok results. My comments in pink.

Your Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.

Yup of course :D That's just me.

Your Stress Sources

An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to improve it without willing cooperation. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability and therefore considers it inadvisable to display affection or to be over-demonstrative. She regards the relationship as a depressing tie but, although she wants to be independent and unhampered, she does not want to risk losing anything. All this leads her to react touchily and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness. The ability to concentrate may suffer.

I give accuracy about a 60%

Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes.

First sentence a dont know? Second sentence a not true in my opinion. Third sentence yes, I think...although I'm notorious for not knowing what I want/think/feel.

Your Desired Objective

Feels too much is being asked of her and is tired out, but still wants to overcome her difficulties and establish herself despite the effect such an effort would house on her. Proud, but redesigned in her attitude. Needs recognition, security, and fewer problems.

Ho, 100%?

Your Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She tries to escape from these by denying their existence, concealing her dissatisfaction behind a proud but illusory claim to self-sufficiency and independence.

I find it hard to conceal my dissatisfaction, but I may be proud...kinda. Ok self-sufficiency and independence is definitely illusory. It's weird how I used to BELIEVE I have those traits.

Your Actual Problem #2

Strongly resists outside influence and any interference with her freedom to make her own decisions and plans. Works to establish and strengthen her own position.

??? yet to be determined???

I was warned that this is not a substitute for a proper diagnose by a doctor or psychologist, so I'm not declaring an accurate read of my personality/situation/condition/etc.

Quiz

2006-01-06T03:40:00.000-08:00

Here, do it:-

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=060106062244-339540

Thank you.

Untitled 49

2005-12-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

Is this how it’s going to be? I mask my disappointment with fervent consolations, yet I would occasionally question myself as to the rationality of such willful blindness. Could this be a prerequisite for happiness or is it an indication of the very issue I’m willfully blind to? I refuse to acknowledge that I am indeed…how should I say, hurt by little petty things that on the surface, look as if they don’t matter.

But as I wallow in accumulated disappointments, I wonder if this is how things are going to be for a long time? I may put in as much effort as I can afford to now, but I don’t know if the irresponsiveness would wear me down and perhaps even reveal the true nature of this relationship. I’m afraid to know. I had been turning a blind eye to a lot of things lately and sometimes I wonder if I am merely fighting to accomplish my obligations. At times like this, the excitement I had started off with and the ends I seek to arrive at just disappear…I begin to doubt a lot of things. Although my feelings haven’t changed, I have in addition a lot of other interfering thoughts…

It is impossible to be totally rid of prejudice after all. I cannot help measuring one with the yardstick of what I would regard as common practice to convey a message or emotion. Stupid thoughts jumbled up in my head.

There is no backing out, but there is not venturing future ahead either. Just stuck.

Perhaps that is why I might have fallen for the temptation posed by such bullsht as fortune-telling. Why do I need to know? I’m one to plunge blindly into almost anything and although coming out regretful, would still be willing to take another blind plunge. Why do I need to know whether something is worth my effort? Reciprocity does help (a whole lot), but it isn’t the main goal of a relationship. I am selfish enough not to be thus opinionated despite preaching such ideas. I am…to be honest, very selfish.

Just tell me how happy it would be to put in your heart and soul in pursuing something you can’t get? I am not making analogies of any sort because there’s nothing like that. I hate to make a fool of myself because there are too many times when I’ve been made a fool of and I do not enjoy being the scapegoat nor the laughing stock.

F. One big F. Please do tell me.

ohisashiburi desune

2005-12-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's been ages since I've last updated my blog :/ well, not counting that love survey thing. It's good...I've cut down my audiences through my long period of absence =P too busy with u-know-what.

I started messaging an...how should I say, an old 'friend'. In inverted commas. I don't know if its a friend, a stranger or an enemy...but yeah. I'm not about to go into details about the history of this confusion, but anyway I'm not running away this time. Like, not running away from embarassments like my mum had always taught me to.

Thing is I'm not sure what to feel. Should I be on a neutral stance seeing that the incidents between us happened 800 years ago? Or cautious and apprehensive? Or careful? Or apologetic? Friendly? Catty and quarrelsome? Hate? I'm between neutral and friendly now...although with a tinge of apprehensiveness.

My mum will kill me. But I've done so many other things behind her back already so much so that this is nothing =P I have this policy of introducing as little friends to my parents as I can manage to...for very good reasons. For like 20 years, they've never once approved of a single friend. No one seems qualified enough...sif I'm worth that much.

Anyway, I feel like going into hiding today. I seriously have no idea what I want...I might have done things that I would regret today. Or rather, say things -_-" I wish I hadn't said them and yet at the same time, I know I want them to be said. Is there anyone more contradictory than me? lol...so the solution is: say them and run away. Haha! Nah, I'm going to have to face yet another boring, predictable, long-winding, depressing and unnecessary confrontation soon.

But having so much doubts and annoyances does not change how I feel...yet. They're additions, not replacements. Gah...I'm still very much looking forward to going back to Melbourne.

Love Survey

2005-12-16T04:37:00.000-08:00

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality.

You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

2005-11-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

It was ages ago when I was suspended in such an agonizing long wait. I cleared the plans for the day, cancelled some appointments in hopes that I would be well-rested, have enough sleep. In the past 2 days I had roughly 5 hours of sleep perhaps? By yesterday I was so fkn tired it wasn't funny at all.

But I can't sleep. A night of restless tossing and turning around in my little bed, fkn trying to force some sleep into my head but in vain. I woke up way too early. I felt too awake, mindlessly surfing the net, doing some laundry and snacking. Time passes so excruciatingly slow. I keep glancing at the time, crestfallen when it was still so early. What happened to this wonderful idea of sleeping til 2pm when I'm already up at 7am? Restless sleep til 10am before I decided to physically haul my arse off the bed.

I got up, yes, but now what? Keep myself occupied til the designated time? My heart wasn't in anything here. Not here, it's somewhere else frolicking in some imagined land. Already there, dispensed with this ridiculously long wait that had set very heavily in my room. Everything radiates of stillness, of passing eternity and lifelessness, everything reminds me of this wait. Everything seemed to prolong this moment so that the destiny will never arrive. Unmoving objects, just like time...

All my hopes lie on the flashing double-colon between the hour and minute digital display. It is so fkn ridiculous.

Jibun wo shinjiro =D

2005-10-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

Just the monotony of writing and writing, frantically searching, analyzing and basically trying to kill my brain are such good distractions. No time for thoughts, felt almost as if my life is back on track. There is something I am capable of doing well and the sense of accomplishment such that I haven’t felt in a long time came back and I felt proud of myself.

How long ago was it since I was last proud of myself? I’m sick of putting myself down for the sake of appearing humble...I’m sick of having people think I’m some stupid girl who can’t do anything. I don’t use to be like that, I used to be good at everything. I used to be the best in everything. I won’t accept second best and I absolutely hate people looking down on me. Yes, I guess if you’ve asked what is it that I hate most, that would be my answer. People underestimating me. Having people think I am not capable of anything.

That may come off as arrogance but it is not. I have a pride too, I am human and I care about petty, unimportant stuff like that. I care about what other people think because it reflects on my personal standards and the effort I have or have not been putting in.

As of late (the past 2 years), I had been severely humbled by the law faculty…I lost all believe in myself; I couldn’t imagine surviving and I guess this shows in my results. I hated it when people I used to know back in my hometown dismiss all my complaints that I couldn’t make it with a “Don’t lie, you’re so smart”. I despised it so much, they seriously piss me off whenever such statements are made to trivialize my apparent depression re studies.

But they were right. My family had such strong, unshakeable, unchangeable belief in my capability, they NEVER EVER once doubt me no matter how much I try to convince them otherwise. In the end, the only person who did not believe in me is myself.

I felt like crying when I realize this. How did I end up in such a pitiful state like this? Giving up and doubting myself even before the game started. I had let people down so many times I couldn’t come to terms with my guilt. Most of all, I couldn’t face up to myself for letting myself down over the past couple of years.

Thank you oniichan (my real oniichan). I felt…awaken. I know I am not stupid after all. Time to straighten up my life.

子どもの話 (REVISED ENGLISH VERSION)

2005-10-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

「タバコを吸う男の話」
ピーター・フィン
石口さちよ

昔々、ケビンと言う男の人がいました。彼はタバコを吸う事が大好きでした。

ある日、ケビンは村の女の子たちが「タバコを吸う人はくさいからきら～い」と話しているのをききました。そして、「体に悪いし、指と歯が黄色くなるし、吸う事を止めたほうがいいかなあと思いました。そのあと、ボーダーズと言う本屋に行って、クイットと言う本を買いました。この本は「吸う事を止める事はたしかに難しいですが、一生懸命、頑張ると、何でもできます。」と言いました。そう信じて、彼はこの本の言葉を全部おぼえました。

ケビンがタバコをやめると、なんだか元気になって、へんなタバコのにおいもしなくなりました。すると、女の子たちは「ケビンさんは最近、いいですね、タバコもやめたし、歯も肌もきれいになったし。それに、剣道も上手だし、いいですよね」

それからケビンさんは村のレジェンドになり、人気者になりました。
それを見ていたピートという男が、村のみんなに「タバコをやめると人気者になるぞ」といい、この村ではタバコを吸う人がいなくなりました。

めでたしめでたし

TRANSLATION

The Story of the Boy Who Smokes Cigarettes

By Peter Huynh & Sekiguchi Sachiyo
Translated & Edited by Pei Yau

A long, long time ago, in a small village far away, there was once a boy called Kebin-chan. Kebin-chan loved smoking very much. Everyday, Kebin-chan smokes a pack of cigarettes.

One fine day, Kebin-chan was minding his own business as usual and enjoying a smoke by himself when suddenly, he overheard a group of village girls talking. “I hate smokers…they stink!”.

He felt insulted because he was smoking. He was very sad. Maybe it is better if he stop smoking. Smoking is bad for health and makes the fingers and teeth yellow, ewww! So, he went to Borders and bought a book called “Quit”.

The book said that quitting is difficult. But the book also said that if the reader is determined enough, anything is possible. After reading the book, Kebin-chan became very motivated to quit smoking.

He managed to quit and became healthy. The strange tobacco smell disappeared and his fingers were no longer yellow. Whenever he smiled, his sparkling white teeth showed and the village girls were impressed. “Kebin-chan has stopped smoking, wow! He looks so different now. Even his kendo is amazing. How wonderful is that?” *swoons*

From then on, Kebin-chan became a legend of the village. He became very popular especially among the village girls. And they lived happily ever after.

The moral of the story is, “Quit smoking and you will become popular”.

End of Story

>:O

2005-10-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed now it’s not funny. FK THIS FKN FK-ED UP PIECE OF SHIT!!! FKN PC!!! WTF are all these shit you’re giving me??!!! I desparately need someone to expand my vulgar vocabulary to enable me to express precisely the amount of anger, hatred, frustration, annoyance, irritation, stress, upset…ANGER OH HELL YEAH!

Wtf is the internet for if I can’t bloody use it??!! GAH!!! *bites REAL hard* GAHGAHGAH!! I’m going to tear my hair out soon! FK this piece of useless technology. How long has it been? Fkn more than a month. Bloody hell. Now I am 100% totally prevented from accessing the net and my fkn exam is in a week’s time and I fkn need to use the fkn pc. And I DO NOT NEED it to shut down at it’s own whim, whenever! I NEED MORE SATISFYING VOCABULARY because no matter how many times I scream ‘FK YOU PIECE OF SHIT’, it doesn’t work anymore. It doesn’t bloody work anymore and I’d go COMPLETELY INSANE if I don’t let out some of this accumulating steam.

It’s fkn 1.30am and I woke up because I was so upset I couldn’t sleep (AH calling me up in the middle of the night is another trigger but oh well). I couldn’t smash my pc because it is too important, although that is the first urge on my mind everytime I get frustrated by some of the silly, frustrating things it does. I WILL BLOODY KILL YOU, JUST YOU WAIT MAN! DO THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I CAN’T GUARANTEE I WOULD STAY SANE FOR VERY LONG!!!!

Man, what the fk am I doing waking up in the middle of the night shouting ‘fk’ at my pc, giving death threats in hopes that it will comply with my order??!! If it is human, I would’ve already beaten the shit out of it and make it slave for me! Fkn get over your rebellious state man, what’s with all these immatured, childish games you’re playing with me.

I am SO annoyed. So so so annoyed. UZAI! Ore ha omae wo tatakitsubusu! Bukorosu! Konnayaro, shine! Man, more words! Come on!

Shiai

2005-10-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

Short entry on Monday’s shiai. Opponent, Nicole….damn.

I felt bad for feeling so good after the shiai. It was a crappy shiai that I don’t deserve to feel proud of. If I had fought a guy, I would’ve been scored against in the first 10 seconds.

Anyway, I made a total of 3 or 4 cuts. Two seme men, one or two hiki waza that didn’t score. Won 2-0.

This means…more hikiwaza practice. Although I’m happy that I’ve initiated only scoring cuts.

Too floppy, not strong/solid/straight/firm. More zanshin, kiai, attacking spirit and pressure. Same comments every time…I don’t seem to be improving on them.

I think I wouldn’t have won the shiai if not for Kim’s advice on my last training before the break. It made my cut feels faster and more fluid. Or it could simply be the new shinai.

And I really don’t like insincere flattery. If I suck then I suck. No pretty words to cover up the truth. Man, I SO need to improve.

My wrist is complaining again. More rest? Man, this is a dilemma.

Untitled blah something

2005-10-08T03:36:00.000-07:00

ANYWAY, the sh*t for today; at the risk of turning this into a food blog, I had Yum Cha today at shark fin. Had a talk with AH and realize things weren’t so bad after all. I can do it! Ganbaro!

Had a talk with ck and kh senpai’s last night about kendo too and it somehow dispelled the ‘fear of God’ instilled in me as an impressionable beginner at a club where horror stories surrounding a certain female kendo machine circulate…It also gives me so much pleasure to know that someone actually reprimands kh for his hidoi-ness >:D

And since kh wants this here, I’m going to rant about my long, boring kendo thoughts. Snappu. Ok, done. Other two lightbulb moments; not lifting shinai way to backwards and fighting for centre during tsubazeriai. Aim in kendo now is to give my 110% during training and no slacking and to kill everyone especially my beloved dobbie.

Which reminds me, I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!!! BWAHAHA!!!

I must rid myself of this obsession with MSN and get a life.

And another thought for today. After talking to AH, I realized that he has such a different and probably more matured concept of boy-girl-relationship (bgr). He wouldn’t date friends whose friendship he treasures. I don’t know if my interpretation of what he said is correct, but I assume this applies to in-group of friends. Me, I date blindly, fingers crossed and hope for the best. Haha, how much more stupid can one ever get? But I probably don’t have time for one anyway and I’m sick of finding out that my bf is a bastard after all and I’m too tired of commitments and relationship problems. If I want love, I’ll hire a personal hugger =D

Had a nice short nap a while ago…I didn’t want to wake up. In fact, I didn’t want to wake up forever. Oblivion is so peaceful.

My Day 30/9/05

2005-09-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

I’m so tired of being judged. There is the probability that I am in denial of facts, but I just can’t find it in me to fight back anymore. These useless battles became repetitive and futile; there is no point in continuing them any longer.

I felt relieved about retiring. The first step is to accept that not everyone will like or understand me. This is perhaps hardest of all…I want to be like AH. So carefree and relaxed.

He told me that if I were that uninteresting and despicable, he wouldn’t be here talking to me in the first place. I felt glad that I at least have some virtues left in me to form and maintain friendships.

I guess even with friends, it is sometimes reassuring to hear that they are on my side. I can’t read minds and I am probably very bad at telling. Betrayal is hurtful but is not something that can be avoided at all times.

That incident yesterday afternoon left me feeling ruined and utterly worthless. I lie on the floor with my blanket, staring at nothing, wanting nothing. I didn’t feel like going kimchi with my friends and had wanted to skip the karaoke altogether…I didn’t want to do anything at all.

However, I managed to pull myself together and a phone call from VT cheered me up a little. I felt like dressing up, but didn’t really have the time and I didn’t want bad attention. I felt fat too, so stuff it.

I stole pz’s ring again, hehe. That has become my weekly goal. Anyway, I found out that I’m not actually allergic to alcohol…only beer. And maybe wine O_O I was so glad to wake up without rashes.

JC was the funniest singer ever. I guess I was feeling a little bored because I wasn’t in the mood from the incident a few hours ago…but I still love hearing Jay’s song (very very very much indeed!) and some of my other favorites. Alas, I can’t sing. I have a weak voice and it’s totally out of tune all the time and I don’t have a high range.

Dobbie didn’t sing The Reason, bad slave! Now, gimme your chinese/canto songs like you promised. You should learn from Jess’s slave, ok. She said sing and he sang.

It was…very EARLY when we left. I felt bad for making the sleep-deprived rus drive me home. Should’ve taken a taxi instead or else leave before 12 or move into the city. Don’t know how to thank him, except for a sincere ‘thanks so much for driving me home’.

I donno, when jl got into the car as well, I had wanted to get out and catch a cab instead because I knew it will be an unexpected long drive for rus indeed.

But anyway, no more after kendo dinners for a while. Am feeling broke and had wanted to save to buy a new shinai after my first one broke. Hey that rhymes -_-“ Maybe if I get back to Malaysia, I’ll go to Singapore to get a carbon fibre shinai and not worry about shinai’s breaking ever again. And a new gi and hakama – my old hakama is falling apart…shouldn’t have put it into the machine so often.

Not going kendo on Monday because pz threaten to eat me alive if I do. Didn’t go on Friday too…Stuff the wrist. Heal man, it’s been more than a week already and I’m losing sleep over the amount of kendo I’m missing. You know the saying goes ‘absence makes the heart fonder’; I’m going crazy already. It’s all I ever think about the past few nights when I toss and turn in my bed, unable to sleep because I haven’t had a good men cut in the last week and I know I won’t be getting one this week either because of the damned cursed wrist. Blah. But if someone doesn’t ban me (violently) from training, my wrist would probably never heal in a long time. That happened on Weds when I went to training anyway and killed my wrist.

Phew…been a long time since I’ve written about my day. It is a sign of procrastination from my duties. Now back to work.

Chang Er

2005-09-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is the life-sized (although she’s taller than me, but oh well…) Chang Er I promised. It is very flawed and horrible-looking…the only thing I liked about it is the humongous flower on her head and that’s only because it didn’t work the first time round and when I finally got it to look like a bloody (artificial) rose, it was more relief than joy. And no details on her face. A few strokes will do. I cbf. Someone said she looks bored and I think it reflects my mood when I was painting her and that big-butt rabbit (don’t ask how).

Right….I got scolded once for revealing the flaws, so I shan’t do that now. But since they’re so obvious, I believe they don’t need telling. Savour my embarrassment.

untitled 48

2005-09-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

Computer still stuffed up, still using MSWords. I apologize to everyone who is subject to my unwilling ignorance due to the pc stuff up. Accumulations of random thoughts from the past few days...let's see.

Progression

Day 1

When I saw you again, it just disappoints me. I think it’s acceptance. A slight unfeeling disgust, something else bordering vainly on anger, blankness. At that point, I just didn’t want to see you ever again You weren’t the person I thought you were after all. I turned away and leave forever.

What can I say; the residual feelings haven’t disappeared with my realization. The disappointment didn’t bother me, nothing did – everything’s been taken away from the inside of me and there is nothing else left to feel.

It will be the absolute and complete absence of You in my life and I’m happy for myself.

Day 2

The shit that comes out of my mouth. Incredible.

Tenderness. Sincere concern. I couldn’t leave you like that after all, nothing in me could bear seeing you in pain. I couldn’t avoid. I’m breaking down with both your pain and mine…A mere observer, kept out of bounds. I know there is nothing I can do or say; even if I try my very hardest, you’re unreachable as ever.

I say words sincerely and carefully picked – those will reach your ears but never your mind. Do you know I’m human too? I get tired. You get too exhausting for me. What do you want of me??! Fck…do you think I like this? I don’t, I’m freaking tired and all I want is a break from all these madness in my life.

Day 2 1/2

I hate moaning. I hate saying all these cliché unoriginal insincere-sounding words, but they mean exactly what I have to express. Like, when I say it’s a stab, it’s the sudden pain of stuffing a knife into the chest and pulling it out. When I say it hurts, it’s suffering that untreated stab-wound and experiencing the sensation of pain.

I fell lower and lower with every word. More empty. More stunned unwilling acceptance. The darkness comes to me and I have to succumb.

Day 3

A new day! Pei is a happy girl. Thanks Akira for opening my eyes. Those are universally known wisdoms that I would usually shrug off with an annoyed “I know”, but how much I’ve never appreciated them before! I should see the signs, the coming chaos. Relax. Not to please someone else by being who they want me to be. And I don’t need shallow friends who cannot accept me for who I am, I can be alone. Being alone is not a bad thing after all.

Antz

I saw him again on Sunday. Things between us are how they used to be, as if nothing has ever happened. I felt relieved that at least he doesn’t hate me now. Still as funny and happy as ever, not once showing whatever is beneath that positive facade. I never know him; he’s almost a total stranger, yet he used to be someone close to heart.

That is perhaps why I had been doubtful about the reasons he gave. I think he hates me yet I couldn’t be sure. In his mind, I might be a cheap slut, a player, a kid. He’ll never learn the truth, nor will I. Why these battles over a stranger? Beats me.

The Song

Another nostalgic song. My escapades, at a point in my life where just for those moments I felt saved from the person I have to be. I don’t know if the following years of consequences were worth the few months of freedom…

Kendo

Relax and keep centre. I so so so need hikiwaza practice. I want it now *sulk*

Sensei gave me some…how should I describe this…very enlightening advice. I have yet to understand it though. Looking for openings = looking for a gap/break in opponent’s concentration. Not merely waiting for the shinai to move. There is like an aura surrounding opponent…find the weak point and attack at the right time. Not about speed but picking the right time and target. To achieve that, just keep attacking when there is a physical opening anyway.

Need to cut from feet & body. Left hand more. Right hand tighter grip.

Aim for jigeiko now is to look for openings and cut. Next would be making the opening and cut? Need more understanding about maai…get into right distance all the time i.e. attacking distance or escaping opp’s danger zone.

Thoughts

I feel so much happier now. Nothing else has changed in my life except my perspective of it but how things differ from before! Many seemingly significant events shrunk to foolishness now and I became so much more at peace with myself. I don’t know how or why Akira could be so enlightening…it might be the age difference. It might be things my parents would’ve said.

Jealousy. I have to deal with this bad tendency of mine.

The Weekend that was

I remembered that as a kid, I wish I was really a male. Perhaps it’s the influence of having two brothers and always wanting to play their games and join their friends and outdo them? Even during the weekend away at Mornington Peninsula, I felt that I was more guy material than girl. Obviously I could only make a guess as to what guys are like, but there were so many times during that 3 days that I felt like an alien among the girls, interest and personality wise.

It could possibly be the mere personality defect on my part. Who knows. I’m still attracted to male species, so its no big deal. Unless it’s being a lesbian who is really a gay inside (that is a joke by the way, no serious connotations intended).

untitled 47

2005-09-16T07:02:00.000-07:00

I‘ve been listening to 好心分手 for a bit and it just made me feel so sad. I don’t understand Cantonese but there was something in that song that tugs at my heart.

Don’t go away. Don’t leave me like this.

Been a while since I’ve last indulged in love songs…recent happenings. Don’t you know how I feel? Stupid male species =D You made me run and hide. You made me a cynic, you made me repress myself. You made me lie to myself, tell myself comforting things. Deny the existence of emotions. Deny the need for love or company. I set up this cold world for myself and happily indulge in everything else; wake up everyday to a beautiful morning, smile and laugh. Think to myself, what a perfect life!

I won’t trespass even the slightest into that taboo area. I made myself so inhuman…Don’t you know? Don’t you care? Every word you said is a stab…oh your ignorance…is it even for real? Is anyone so incapable of such a simple logic at all. Every time you walk away, I look at your back with cold repression and my world stopped for a while. Maybe a single emotionless tear. One day, you may walk away forever and here I stand staring with the exact same stupidity. I won’t run after you, I can’t run…I feel too crippled. Too insignificant when I have nothing at all…

Once I close this entry, I will once again enter my other world. The one without the vulnerability of irrational, ridiculously stupid fragile emotions. There, you unexist and I thank god for your absence in my life.

I have a new blog =D

2005-09-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

I have a new MSN spaces, finally! =D Everyone seems to be using MSN spaces so I have decided to check it out. I have a new entry already, coolies. But I guess this will still be my primary blog...I have a couple of other blogs before but they've sort of 'died-ed'. Chances are this might happen to my MSN space as well.

Anyway, visit http://spaces.msn.com/members/pei168 for my new space =D I'm quite sure I've put everyone on my 'Allow list' but if you're not, just e-mail me =D

The "Great" Comeback

2005-09-15T06:37:00.001-07:00

This is such a sad case. I miss blogging so much im writing on MWords now after my computer stuffed up and I couldn’t open internet browsers.

The next time I attempt to hold a brush, get some police to seize any art-related tools within 50 metres and dump me in prison for a week in addition to a heavy fine. I should NEVER ever be allowed to do art, especially those that has to do with paintings. I am never an artist although at times I pretend to be one, but I can never fool audiences. I stuffed up the lifesizedChangEr big time, I’m so f-ed now but I have dug too deep into the pit of shit to get out now. God bless my soul.

This is long overdue, but I won that jap speech contest I was whining about and I’m going Sydney for the national finals, yay! First prize is a return trip to Japan with 3 days of Onsen included. I won’t deny that I’d love to get my hands on that after the crappy stuff I got for the state finals.

However, I fell sick right on the morning of the contest. Luckily kh accompanied me to Monash and it felt nice to have someone taking care of sick me =D I want my mummy...I went to bed right after I got back and I was so sick I can’t even crawl out of bed to get water for my stinging throat. I slept a total of 18 hours; not peacefully though, I was constantly awaken by splitting headaches and burning heat all over my body. However, I would have gone to kendo on Monday if not for the fact that I’m trying my best to recover for grading on Saturday.

Now what was it again? Ah yes, more bitchings. QUIT SMOKING KONAYARO! Yowai.

I really dislike it when people go around trying so hard to be civilized in vain when it has very obviously manifested physically the hatred one/they have towards me. I dislike it when self proclaimed ‘good’ people bitch and exclude people labeled ‘bad’. The Society of Good People, eligibility: a good person (to be tested by a penal of judges). Special benefits: license to judge non-members without considering the requisite mental elements (equivalent to strict or absolute liability in criminal law)

I am such an alien here. I am the Bad People. I should be sentenced to life imprisonment and have the keys thrown away.

And, you know who you are. Don’t be so WEAK. You said you know more about pain than I think you do but dude, if you’ve never had the guts to jump into the pit of shit before, how would you know ANYTHING at all? How do you know that you’ll be much happier with what you’ve got until you’ve lost them? How is sad ever going to be truly sad if you’ve never been truly happy in the first place? How could you feel empty if you’ve never had anything or lose anything before?

Well I don’t know much about you – in fact I know close to nothing about you. I don’t understand your situation at all, but I think running away like this is so totally stupid. You think that’s going to help you, but I’m telling you it’s not going to work that way simply because it’s not merely a problem of physical distance. You keep telling me I’m weak – well I am. I’ll always admit my faults. But I’m working on it. What about you?

More Bitchings, gah.

2005-09-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

Kendo Forum? All that furor over nothing. I've checked over and over and over again the previous posts preceding KW's angry outburst & false accusations, scrutinize them painfully and yet I couldn't find anything that's 'complaining' or 'whining' in nature. He misquoted me and vented out his anger (exam/study stress apparently, but bloody hell everyone has exam/study stress). So much discretion ey. Using the club's armour may be a priviledge, BUT then what is the point of having an armourer if there is no work that needs to be done? Since every club member should consent to any kind of atrocities anyway. Why have the election the democratic way? Lies. Gah, I feel the overwhelming urge to move to a different club, but that is childishness on my part.

Must calm down. He has the support of sensei anyway, and I wasn't really fighting for myself since I didn't have any problems with my armour. Rather, I felt that the kind of discretion practised is not the kind that I want in my club, and I want to fight for the overall 'justice' of people who wasn't allocated an armour properly and people whom KW had falsely accused. I guess I'm not doing it in the right way; I was told I should respond by improving my kendo bla bla bla BUT THAT IS BLOODY NOT THE POINT AT ALL. If your mum is murdered, don't bother with justice in court; instead, respond by improving your kendo. Bloody hell. Be glad that she has a grave.

Blah. Annoyed.

More annoyance during kendo. もっと強いになりたい. Too weak. I wish beginners would jigeiko only with beginners since I'd only be doing uchikomigeiko with seniors. Maybe I'm so bad that I shouldn't be allowed to do jigeiko yet. Blah. I hate feeling so weak. If that's the case, I wish sensei would separate the weak ones from the good ones and make us do kihon instead.

I admit I was kind of pissed at kendo yesterday, but it didn't turn out to be a bad thing after all. It was the first time in my kendo career that I feel super-charged and it was good =D Should thank KW and Sensei for it. Time to get fitter!

I don't hate KW at all but I think the damage between us is irreparable. I smiled at him yesterday but haha. Never mind. I don't know if there is anyone else who is as incapable of hating people as I am.

We did 3 kirikaeshi for Yvonne's bday yesterday (the injustice! haha!)...Yvonne if you're reading this...guess what? We wanted to hire a male stripper for you instead of all those dicks yesterday =P but there was no place to do it, blame it on kong who didn't pick up his mobile phone. Not to worry, there is always next year =D

untitled 46

2005-09-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like bitching now. Must be the cumulative effect of me restraining from blogging and a few happenings coupled with my unstable emotions right now. Yes, blame the hormones. Every little thing pisses me off now. Every single thing gets on my raw emotions and I just need to vent out IRRATIONALLY. For no reasons or any logic that can be easily followed, gah! Annoyed. I'm being childish and the worse thing is....I knew it.

I'm f-ed. So f-ed. In every possible way. I want to give up law already, I cbf reading all those things. Why do I work so hard for Japanese? It's such a waste, yet I enjoyed it. Why do I have such an f-ed up personality :@ Annoyed. I don't understand KevH. I don't understand anyone. I hate people who replied to forums as if they haven't read the previous arguments presented and proceeded as if the previous replies never existed or they're simply too f-ed up in the brains to understand.

Sometimes everything's just annoying. Living life is so annoying. Can I just not do it? Can I just not do law? Can I just not be worried about PR? Or possible future work? Or friends? Or people? Or other equally annoying obligations?

untitled 45

2005-08-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't been updating for a while (comparatively) and that's a good sign because it means that I've been getting a life lately. Okay sorry that's a lie; I never get a life. I was still religiously going on my blog rounds and had been on the "Create New Post" page for ages without knowing how to express myself or was distracted by MSN.

Been so busy that I wasn't able to acomplish a single thing. That might sound as silly as that woman in the Wedding Crashers saying 'Shut your mouth when you're talking to me' but it's possible nonetheless...I am THAT unproductive.

I took on quite a bit of responsibilities lately (again, comparatively). Will be a busy 2 week....won't be able to go for the usual after-kendo dinner. No one's turning up for that dinner anyway and I won't be missed. I'll have to confine myself to my little warzone (read: room) and be a good, hardworking girl for a while...

I was quite excited actually. Was asked to draw a life sized poster of Chang Er (that woman in the Chinese folklore who flew to the moon during the mid autumn/mooncake festival. Gosh, kevinH didn't know her and he calls himself a taiwanese) and I'm getting so excited...I haven't held a brush in like 5 years or so and I've almost forgotten how much joy art had once given me. I love spending hours with paint for school related artwork so much so that my mum would always get mad at me for wasting so much time on 'nonsense'. She wanted to ban me from doing any art LOL. Oh well, it worked...haven't done art for like half a decade now.

However, I wasn't able to find a nice, clear picture of Chang Er. I saw some western versions of moon fairies and they look so good I wish I could paint them instead. I would certainly appreciate it if anyone could provide me with a picture...

There is also the fear of doing a bad job...what if I stuff it up? Maybe they should get my housemate to do it instead...I think she'll be good with art. Or Alvin. Or Anthony except he's the busiest man on earth as usual -_-" but apparently he's really really reallyyyyy good. Or someone else.

All these rantings are inevitably leading me to....umm....some other depressing events in the past, haha. The precious memories are gone...what remains is simply the dull ache that never ease with time. The picture of Anna (Shaman King). The art competition. Yoh Asakura. White nike cap. More than words by Extreme. Breadman and Winnie the Pooh. The paper stars and hearts of which each and every single piece was made with utmost sincerity...I had somehow hoped that one day in the future you'll happen to unfold any one of them and read what I wrote; but I doubt they're still in existance any longer. I felt a little sorry that time ran out so fast...

Enuff :D Anyway, I also joined a japanese speech contest...had wanted to bid on taiki/avi/rina's offer of japanese lessons but a combination of being the doorbitch/broke/scared of taiki & avi prevented me. I'm writing on...guess what...Bushido (translate: The Way of the Warrior). Sekiguchi sensei's comment was: Kakkooi! (translate: so cool!) But I felt as if I've thrown myself right into a deep pit of sh*t. What and how on earth am I suppose to write that in japanese??!! I don't feel knowledgeable enough and no amount of research on my part will do this topic justice. I'll have to hide behind the cloak of "idonnoimabeginner' again...

Fundraiser's night was great, although was at the door most of the time messing around with the ticket and drinks voucher and money. Fatsu Yoroshiku was phenomenal!!! I'm setting up the Kenji Fan club he's so COOL!!! And funny. And good at music and kendo. I don't have to set up the Anthony Fan club because that's already in existance =P OMG I just realized that the two anthonies I know have one thing in common: they're both really good at singing!!!

Looking forward to kendo training. Grading coming up and hopefully I'll do well. Gosh, with all these happening my studies will be so neglected...I've been behind for a while now. Gah bad girl.

untitled 44 (edited)

2005-08-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

Give me a few days and I'll have that out of my mind. Completely. If I put my mind to it, I could...no more thinking. For ages, I've been through this stage and I've disliked it. Put life back on track. No asking why's; there is no such question. Just do it.

kare to iwanai no ii to omou. wasuretai kedo chotto dekinai. taihen da ne kono seemee wa...

Distractions are good. I'll indulge. No sadness for me, never =D

EDIT.....................

I hate to be like this, I don't want it this way. I don't want to be affected so easily. Am I so despicable? Am I that ugly? Am I that bad? Do you have to hate me so much? Or am I merely a piece of boring shit you collect on your way to popularity? Almost like those common unwanted stamps in your stamp collection - they're only there because they're stamps and you want EVERY stamp in the world so whether or not you like it, they have to be in your stamp book.

I'd rather have you throw me away. Stop with those lies and pretense and misleading conducts. I'm all too human to be the emotionless machine I desire to be. Where I don't have to yearn for warmth or company, dispense with all the self-induced aches and pains and a load of other stupidity.

I'm so baka....bakayaro. STupid stupid stupid. I want to paste my face all over the floor so that i can stomp on them all day, step real hard on that stupid face with some crazy stilletos. I want to plant my face all along the path to my tramstop, all the way to my classes and of course on the tram tracks. Let my face be screwed to death or anything worse. Let all kendoka's fumikomi on me...

Jason said i have this charade of being happy. I guess I am. I can always induce myself to be happy even when I'm sad. It doesn't seem to be working now, BAKA.

Why do you affect me so much? Fckn hell. And I don't even like you.

But it's alright, I said I'll have all these out of my mind. They will be. Nothing pisses me off more than the Pei right now, the one aching her silly heart to death. No such thing in a normal, healthy rational world. You'll see - I'll live.

Happenings

2005-08-20T04:33:00.000-07:00

Everytime after I tell myself that I'll not blog anymore, I'll blog again. It's addictive...blog is fast becoming my friend and soon there would be no one else that I'd befriend with other than my blog. And since no one reads or cares about it anyway and since I'd read my blog more than anyone else put together, it's like talking to myself using a different means. I'm such a loser...he's so right when he calls me that =D

hah, that smiley again. Why do I always hide behind those emotes?

It's so hard to be happy when things are getting so stressful. I don't know what to do about this anymore, I'm too tired of pleasing people. I worry too much about stupid things.

Gah...whatever.

Kendo

Yay, it feels so good to write "KENDO" in bold large fonts. The dan grades matches were awesome! At the Victorian Kendo Championships I mean...there is like a MASSIVE difference between the kyu and open competitions....now I understand why they call non-dan grade shiai's merely 'stick-tapping'. My idols now are Brett Smith, Kim, Andrew and alvin's brother (I think his kendo is similar to brett smith's). Those are the people whose kendo I was terribly impressed with =D

It's so funny, when it's Kim's turn, almost everyone turned to look at his match....he's almost like the centre of attention/star/celebrity. But that's because the majority of audiences are UMKC ppl anyway and he's the proud 'import' of the club, hehe. Plus he's so cute with ponytails =D bad bad. I like all ponytails anyway -_-" every guy with ponytails is cute, no matter how ugly they are...I'm just obsessed with it...this is bad, man.

I feel so proud of UMKC when we won the kyu team and when we almost beat fudoshin...in fact, everytime we win, I'd feel so proud, hehe. I'm not competing too....damn, if it's possible, I want to be the best kendoka ever after watching those shiai's! But since that is never happening, I'd stay contented with developing and growing at my own snail's pace.

And I realized too, how ugly my kendo must've looked. I shudder to think of the day when I'm being recorded on video and made to see my own kendo.

Enough rambling. Hari ini agak gembira la...dia ajak saya pii makan. hirugohan o tabemasen ka? tapi situasi agak kelam kabut jadi akhirnya tak makan bersama...ahh...bukan salah siapa siapa. bodohnya saya. bodoh bodoh. bodoh. tapi saya benar benar tak tahu lah...agaknya saya dah gila. kenapa saya selalu suka lelaki macam tu? tak faham betul...kalau nak, pilihlah yang lebih kacak, popular, kaya and bijaksana.

don't want to think. it's the best solution :D and don't hope. get on with life as if nothing's happened...that's how I've lived for the past year...couldn't be too hard. I just can't trust 'fate' anymore...it's been working against me all my life. I'm putting my foot down this time, i'm telling it to fuck off.

untitled 43

2005-08-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

I felt as if expression through words would never convey my feelings right now, but it is the only tool and means I have at hand. Almost as if my blog is the only place I can turn to...ironic, considering I am not totally and utterly friendless. I have a best girl-friend. I've got close family members. But to no one would I open up but myself. To no one would I be willing to bare my self and publicize all my inherent weakness, acquired weakness; the humiliation. I could never face those, the weak being within cursed to forever scatter run and hide.

What is this? As if eons of resistance had cumulated a force bigger than I could ever imagine. Unwipeable with mind power alone. Not with mere distractions, not with denial, not with lies...not with anything anymore. Everything tried and tested became so useless, yielding no hopes what-so-ever for that delusional coward that is me. No words left....so much before, like wrong sized clothing nevertheless squeezed into. Unintentional lies.

Shallow....so shallow. The pool is not as deep as I thought it is. Optical illusion. Ahh...perhaps the pool did not even exist in the first place; I simply thought it does. This will render everything I feel, touch, think, sense...illusional. A dream?

I saw all those sufferings from complicated rules governing the thoughts and emotions; and I do not want to be that. I just want to be and happy. Nothing in the world would sadden me, living in disregard of the existance of 'sadness'. But edward's right...if I don't feel sad, I can never feel happy. It is relative. Missing him a bit now. One word to mind....untouchable. Changes....fickle mindedness. Invisible. Insignificant. Neglected. Images.

I shall think no more. Be happy, damn it. I said be happy.

untitled 42

2005-08-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of audience-minding. There is so much that I want to say and I don't care if anyone reads them or think about them or shove them aside as some stupid boring contentless blog entry.

I'm agitated right now. Kind of. I feel cursed. There are so many 'thoughts' flying around in my head they run into each other all the time and guess what...I'm left with nothing to think about. There's nothing worth all these jumbled up mess; and I cbf sorting out my thoughts because I'm downright lazy.

The day started out alright...I went outside and saw the sun. I felt the warmth and feel so blessed...this is more than just a beautiful day. It is a perfect day. I like it this way; to go out everyday and think to myself how beautiful a day it is =)

There are days like today when I especially felt the impact of having to abide by all these rules. Unwritten society or relational rules that force me to do things in their own set way regardless of how I feel. There are so many things that I want to do but I can't...I'm so tied down right now I'm surprised I'm still breathing. There are times when I cbf living. I felt as if 'living' is simply an obligation that I can just let go off. It's not my fault for treating 'life' as such a cold object - it was made that way. As if an individual life by its own is so trivial, so insignificant it could've un-exist.

Then there's the dilemma of whether or not I'm really set to break all these rules? I despise them all my life, I battle them, I strive for my survival despite their aggressive influence; but at the end of the day I still have to live with them. It's something unavoidable...it is vital to my creation and being. This vicious cycle is like that crab barrell someone once described. If one crab were to try escaping, the rest would pull him back down. Gah...annoying.

What I hate most is trouble/troublesome-ness...I'm so much like Shikamaru in Naruto that way =D except I don't have half his brains. I hate problems or misunderstandings or complicated situations that could be solved easily by letting go (on everyone's part). I love...a simple life...why can't everyone be that way? I guess that's human beings for you.

I realize that I'm terribly incapable of hating people. Might be my easily-distracted mind?

Mmm....don't know why all my sentences tend to start with "I". Maybe I know too little sentence structure, still stuck at grade 1. Or mebbe I just think about myself. But hey this is a blog about myself right...

I keep having dreams about edward the past few days, but I can't remember what about. Met him today and it just feels weird to see the person you dream about, LOL...in flesh I mean. He's not cute or anything....why can't I dream about cuter guys like that guy at the airport or tm? Haha talking about tm...when i first saw him at the kendo demo, I thought he's the most good-looking guy I've ever seen in my entire life...it made me sad to realize that he doesn't even know I exist! Oh well that phase lasts for a couple of months; it's worn off already. And I didn't join kendo because of him -_-"

sukina hito ga inai to iun kedo...tabun...karewa kirai janai yo. kore wo kangaeru ichi nichi juu. gah, warukatta nihongo =( dou suru? nani mo shinai tsumori...mattemiru to omou ii.

I don't like alcohol

2005-08-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

There is no reason whatsoever for depression. I was a happy girl going around trying to avoid walking blindly into those self-induced depression traps =D Why do I take the alcohol?

Saturday at k after some drinks, I just feel really depressed over nothing. Is there such a thing as depression over nothing? I thought about small matters, big matters that became insignificant with time, life in general...and they made me so sad I wanted to cry. At the same time, k was fun and I genuinely laughed; yet I was on the verge of crying.

Maybe the 'happy' period went on too long. I just shove all my unhappy emotions away whenever I feel them coming. I don't even know if my happiness is artificial =D

For a few days after that, I had rashes (and still do). It's such a pain in the @ss. $$$+alcohol=rashes+depression GRRR I'm not happy about rashes.

Anyway...I guess Saturday was a day when I don't feel like talking. I want the company, but I'll just want to sit around and listen instead of doing the talking. It felt too....exhausting. I don't know, loads of people had made the mistake of taking my silence for arrogance or disdain or rudeness or dislike for company. But I just don't feel like talking =~( that's all.

If there's the advice that we should do more listening than talking, Saturday was a time when that advice would've worked to my detriment. It was the time when I was so quiet its unhealthy...I could feel myself drawing energy from the depths of my physique just to talk =( kill me!

I had more friends than I thought...that's certainly one thing that I never thought about when I felt friendless (and when everyone in the world seems to think that I'm too lowly to be befriended).

There's no doubt about it - I have quite an unusual taste for guys =D i'll give myself more time.

I've always wondered why I'm ugly =S It's something I can't help feeling; I could tell myself that's not true but reality always works to erase the certainty.

I read something from the articles about sexual assault and I found something....very true. The account of a victim at the rape trial.

The defence lawyer acted as though he knew me. Or thought that he did. He acted as though he knew what I was thinking. Both then and now. Or thought that he did. But I had never met him before. I would have remembered that.

Vivid desriptions. Liar. Voracious. imginative. Sick. Lascivious. He bandied these labels around the room. They bounced off the wood panelled walls. The wooden floor. The wooden doors. They had currency. I had heard of such women. I had read about them. I had seen them in movies. The scorned Woman. The Woman who wanted attention. The Woman who changed her mind afterwards. The Woman who imageind the whole thing. The Woman who deserved it. The Woman who liked it that way. Who were these woman? I had never met one of them. Perhaps they had never really existed.

Sleep deprived...my room is in its peak condition as a warzone. It's never been as 'good' as this before. Shite...cleap up time.

Confused

2005-08-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

I've had another weird dream last night...been having all these weird dreams lately, but I guess last night's affects me most.

It was K again. We were sitting around talking about nothing in particular, just looking about with a hint of awkwardness between us. Then there was a brief silence. K edged nearer and almost as if it's something so natural, he held my hands. I know I was happy...we got up and walked a bit to some eating place. The memories go fuzzy here; there were those "normal" weird happenings i.e. running away from from bomb or setting the bomb, some monsters etc. O_O can't I have something more romantic in my dreams?!! Geez, since I was a kid, I've always had those weird escapade dreams that involves almost anything (dinosaurs, assassins, drug-dealers, underwater city/garbage dump, jumping off some 100 storey building, running around nude)

That wasn't the first dream with K too, but both have the same elements O_O I mean I've dreamt about other people but they probably didn't affect me as much. Gah.

Anyway, last night was the murder party thingo. We dressed up as characters in this murder investigation story, each of us a suspect in crime. The story was slowly revealed over dinner (thanks wantse!); accusations and secret schemes were flying over the dinner table before the murderer was finally exposed in the last chapter. It was so much fun! Should do it again! And I have to admit a kelihatan sungguh kacak =D yasashi hito desu. Ah, saya ni buaya darat betul...

Anyway, today's a study day. Pei's going to be a good girl and finish all her readings today, yay.

Where's the zanshin -_-"

untitled 41

2005-08-09T02:54:00.000-07:00

I read Viet's blog and he wrote about being neglected and left out...I can identify with that and I'm feeling like that right now. In fact, I've been feeling like this quite persistently...I don't want to be like this. This is so pathetic. I don't want to have to tell myself I'm a wonderful person when I don't feel as if I am one.

Hey, my principle in life is to be happy yeah! Where's that gone to now.

Heh...'repulsive' (I'm stealing his words). Am I repulsive? I'd definitely appreciate a straight answer to that. But of course, the long years of this same plea has absolutely no response whatsoever. Even people who claimed that they're straightforward and honest and unpretentious would NEVER do that to my face. I'm no good at hating people so I would never have minded, but oh well. That's life for me.

I feel so..insignificant. As if my existance doesn't make a difference at all. Whether or not I'm alive, whether or not I try in vain to make my presence felt, whether or not I try hard to love; they don't matter. Am I too selfish?

I still love life =D I watched "The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" that day *spoilers alert* where after the guy had the memories of his lover wiped out of his mind thru some doctor, he found that his life in that past two years is....nothing. Empty. She was so much a part of his life that his existance would have meant almost nothing to him without her. This was portrayed so starkly in the movie I was moved...I felt the same with kendo. My life would have been nothing without it. It would probably be like last year, where I really felt as if my life is totally and absolutely meaningless.

Heh, kendo includes kendo friends =D

Why am I so obssessed with my emotions >_<

untitled 40

2005-08-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

The reason for this post is simply....I feel compelled to write something.

Kendo

This is when I feel the need for moral support. I felt so crap in kendo I should just pack my tenugui and go...it never cease to amaze me how much there are to learn in kendo. I felt like giving up on Saturday, I felt so bad.

Rheumatism....do I really have this? O_O Or was that a mistranslation?

The ankle is not getting any better and I am in doubt I'll ever be able to walk without feeling that heaviness/stress/pain in my feet.

Why do I get the worst features from my parents? LOL...These are the times when I really envy those who are healthy. They don't know how lucky it is to live a normal healthy life...the amount of things they can do!

Kendo weekend with the Chiba sensei visit thing is not leaving me anytime for studies. Gotta really catch up this week...might need to turn down some social occassions. Must prioritize =( I hate this. Coz I want to do everything...

In fact, I might just stop writing this blog right now and read some Crim.

untitled 39

2005-08-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

Oniisan is back! He's finally released from the evil clutches of Ernst & Young...and upon being freed from that few years of incarceration, I FINALLY managed to get a conversation going that lasts more than 2 minutes! WOW! I barely talked 20 words to him each year ever since he went to Uni...that's so sad, we used to be 'best friends' before. He's now in Price Water House, and they don't exploit workers as much.

Yay, oniiiiisan! ONIIIIISAN! Kor kor~!!! Geeeeee!!!!!!! I must do that the way linwei and janice do =P Honda-GEEEEEEE!!!!!!

It made my day =P after 'that person' spoilt my day, this is a nice surprise.

I dont know why I'm so bad at making friends...this is so sad...I do feel neglected, but I realize it must be my bad. I'm...ummm...uninteresting in many ways. I'm not the person whom people find easy to connect with. I'd sometimes drift off into my own world.

Hey, but it's a happy day today. I want to wake up every morning and think to myself "It's such a beautiful day!". True I've been happy, and I want to stay that way. I don't ever want to get depressed or angry or irritated or sad; they're such...a waste...why sad when I can be happy?? I think...if EVER I've got a bf, there would only be one condition to my relationship - no quarrells or misunderstandings ever. LOL

That'll never happen...I'm too human after all =D I can't guarantee I won't feel bad if I have a bad day.

Kendo weekend! I hope my ankle can last me all weekend...it's been giving me LOADS of troubles lately. Then the Host Murder Party or something on Friday. I get to dress up as the fiance of the dead man...there's the witch, the dentist (with a drill) and the psychic. And the mummy, prince of dimness, a cannibal and.....err cant remember.

Feel better during jigeiko now. At least not so lost, but still crappy. Don't deny that. So much to learn....can't wait.

untitled 38

2005-08-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hui Wen: Him as in Antz. It's just remembering me thinking "The most perfect guy is sitting right in front of me now and he asked me out" and being madly happy. Hehe silly me. And the last date. But I'm indulging in positive thinking now, so wipe him out of my brains =D

I admit I was attracted to the NAME Anthony on the UMKC (Kendo) forum...but when I finally met him, I feel stupid for expecting him to resemble Antz. What on earth is my pea-brain thinking of???!!! I felt like kicking myself in my face except I can't physically do that.

There is no residual feelings. He is merely a reminder of some painful events in the past, which is why I feel down. There are many more happy events in my life and I'm not one to remember things anyway.

Koji: My blog doesn't usually make sense...LOL. Thanks =D

Evil

The word evil just reminds me of Trungdo and his evil waza's...but no, this is not some joke 'evil'. I have never in my life met a person with evil intentions before...at least none that is not a consequence of social pressure. And maybe with the exception of myself.

I have ceased hating him. I just felt sad that the 'evil' intentions are directed at me. I shouldn't really use the word 'evil'...it's the desire to see me fail in everything and the willingness to aid me into my failure. We have...the biggest personality clash in the entire world I think.

Maybe I'm just over-thinking. But what I saw and realized today saddens me.

Kendo

Got thrashed like a sandbag...or a chicken tied to a balloon. I hate it when I realize the male kendoka's are soft on the females...I know I am weak but I don't mind getting thrashed for my weakness. Not for my gender though. This is a difficult situation indeed...

There is only so much actions/reactions that we were taught and constantly on my mind is the question "What should I do?". I don't have the energy to chase and to cut when I see the opportunities...I desparately need to be fit.

The once silly beginner that I was (2 weeks into kendo?), I used to think "Hey cool, maybe I should join the AUG or whatever it's called". Only now did I actually appreciate the extent of my stupidity HAHA. Now why did that memory popped up? Yup, Caleb actually asked if I had wanted to join...I don't feel happy at all, I feel mocked. Hehe. And embarassed.

There is so much to learn, so much to work on. More spirit (Tom & Sensei). Zanshin (Caleb & Sensei). Left hand (Kim).

Shite talked too much about kendo again.

I have this fear that I would become immune to caffeine. But at the same time I desparately need my coffee to keep awake in class and kendo...difficult.

I have no idea why I agreed to join the contest. I thought I would do something interesting with my life...but now I realize that I'm the most unsuitable person of all. I have speech problems. I stutter (a bit, but especially when I was little). I get serious stage frights. I get mental blanks when I'm nervous. I don't talk much. I'm not hard-working enough to prepare a presentable speech. And most of all, I am afraid to speak. This is not some shit I say to make myself sound humble; I AM afraid of speaking.

Hmmm....I am afraid of my housemate the way I'm afraid of Chiaki. It's like having to step on glass when I'm around her, as if any tiny mistake I make will result in retribution a million times. Kowaii ne...I have to be on my best behavior. Maybe like a scary aunt? Argh...Sometimes I find myself rehearsing first before I speak to her. I make sure I wash the dishes extra clean. Sometimes I even check to see if I'm dressed okay, or usually I would not show my face. Hands in right position, straight posture. I just want to run away as quickly as i can to relieve myself of the pressure.

Phew...

untitled 37

2005-07-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

It's at times like this that I feel so helpless. There is nothing in the world that I can do. I can try, but I will always fail.

I look into myself but I can't see. I wish to be outside, I wish to see myself from another's point of view and I'd like to guide myself away from my flaws. Being capable of telling myself what to do right or what not to do wrong.

I must be so....flawed. Like the saying goes, "There can be no smoke without fire". Thus all these situations that I find myself in cannot come into being unless there is an instigator - me.

There is no help from outside. Not often. Nobody is honest. Flattery. Desire to comfort and to make one feel better. Desire to keep a nice-guy/girl image.

I know my housemate hates me. I can feel it...unless I'm a retard O_O I hate to say this, but I have no idea why. I might have some faint clues but they dont make sense.

I can't be of any use to friends, whether in times of happiness or sadness. I can be there for them but apart from my intentions, there is nothing else. Nothing. I don't add to happiness nor help lift sadness. I can be there like an awkward doll but that's all. I can't talk. Can't think. Can't do.

Intentions are never enough. There must be skills and knowledge involved as well.

Being alone and independant is not a bad thing, but I don't like being alone. At least I think I don't. I've been alone for far too long, maybe I'm used to it...maybe I even like it.

This is screwing up my priority. I'm not sure what is important anymore, or what isn't. I wish I knew what I want from life...this might be the point where I would be making important decisions that would affect me for the rest of my life and yet I have no definite picture of my future in mind. If I want to change things, now is the time. Once this opportunity passes, there will be no more. I'd be left standing there bewilded, without a clue about what happened and wouldn't appreciate the consequences until it's too late.

I am...the most screwed up person I know.

I want to indulge in positive thinking >_<

I...miss my mum. In the past 2 years that I had been in Australia, I've never missed my mum before...until this year. I kept crying. Missing her. Missing a home. Missing the only person who would back me up no matter what I do. Missing the person who would sacrifice anything for me. How come it isn't apparent until now? When I'm finally kicked out of my comfort zone into the cruel society, there would be no one to protect me anymore. I feel so alone.

I might be some spoilt brat...who am I?

edit: I don't wish to see him again. I get occassional flashbacks and I just feel....down. Not sad, not depressed. Just down.

untitled 36

2005-07-29T01:51:00.000-07:00

My biological clock is screwed up. Either that or I'm becoming a vampire =D Coffee to lectures.

The unfitness saga continues...if I were to be able to do jigeiko, more fitness is a must.

Less play time...haven't been sticking to study schedule. Need better eyes maybe.

Shouldn't be let loose on a shopping spree. The more I study, the more stressed out I feel and the more I have to shop. Not 'have' to, but feel the need to reward myself for something I don't deserve.

For Takeshi!

Job-hunting operation halted. Give up...willing but unwanted. Look elsewhere.

Re previous post. Made in time of extreme annoyance. Things I don't mean are said. Thursday law lecture been great. Last semester pure bad luck to be allocated such lecturers. A change this semester.

Should study. Blog in concise form. No long boring essays. Saving that for law essays.

Btw sorry Yvonne for armour hassle...should've told you before that I wanted number 6...I know you've been stressed, will hassle someone else about it =D So don't worry.

Hui Wen, love you hun; can't talk much. Uni work sucks. Take care of yourself =D The knees need the body to be functioning in good condition.

F law school

2005-07-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am annoyed because those over-competitive students hide books from the library and I can't bloody find any of them. There were barely 20 students in the reserve section of the library and I can't find any one of the two books I was looking for. And there are supposed to be about 10 books for each of the titles, and only two of them were loaned out.

At the beginning of my Criminal Law class, my lecturer begged us not to black out sections in library books with markers or to tear out important pages.

I can never find what I want in the library...what is the library for? My parents paid for good education and what did the law faculty gave me? Some really crappy lecturers and a bookless library. Melbourne Law School is supposed to be one of the top schools internationally and is well-known for a very good Criminal Law course. WTF. Last semester, my crim law teacher was so bad barely 10 students made it to class each time. He is very very very well-known...for the wrong reasons of course. He was only in the crim course because there werent enough crim law lecturers. He was kicked out this semester, thankfully. But short on law lecturers. WTF. How are you going to explain this??!!!

So it's all self-study. I could've gone to Murdoch Uni in Perth and pay half the price I'm paying right now...after all, Murdoch Uni is among the top 8 I think. Some say better than University of Western Australia.

I hate Melbourne Uni. Such a crappy place...all those lying rankings. The only reason Melb Uni is ranked highly is because of those bloody smart over-competitive page-tearing black-marking book-hiding arseholes who do not have a life. DIE man, DIE!!!

Well, okay, so that only applies to the Law School. Suck shit. I did a year of Italian and midway through Japanese and they're all bloody good. Even a unit of psychology proves how much better other faculties are.

Cheaters. It's one of the most expensive course and yet the lecturers do the least amount of work. That is a prejudiced comment but that's what it seemed to an 'outsider' like me. I don't care if it's an attempt to make students more independant, it's still 'doing nothing'. GRRR!!! You don't pay people to do nothing (not usually).

untitled 35

2005-07-26T03:17:00.000-07:00

Can't remember the last time I was obsessed...oh well it's probably over that useless person, but that was ages ago. This is somewhat like Masaki over Ishikawa Keigo but in totally different situations LOL. If you want to know, it's an actor -__-" Enough said.

I went shopping again today. Two new tops from Miss Sixty again (one hot pink, one green...yay back to all my colors~! Die black, die!!!). I can't remember the last time I had retail therapy before last Saturday, probably months ago...been so deprived. I'd probably not have the chance for a long time now, god save me. Tasukete kudasai >_<

I had a somewhat easy-going study plan this semester. No more impossible all-day-studying marathon. If I can't stick to the plan, I really have nothing to say for myself. The trick is not to be on msn and to sleep before 11pm =.="

For Takeshi!

And...badly need the motivation to keep fit. Swimming man, come on guys. Met Kevin today and he said something like I don't need to hold Mike/Andrew's hand to swim, so no excuse for wagging. But today was really cold =~( he's right when he keeps calling me 'weak'. Very much so in kendo as well.

Talking about kendo...I felt as if I'm in some sort of deep depression in kendo; where all my efforts seem to go to waste, nothing's changing nothing's improving...I'm slowly losing the spirit and energy, almost as if I'm fading away. Perhaps not enough effort. Maybe nothing a good night's sleep couldn't cure...but the frustration is hard to take at times. I think sensei noticed me doing really badly on Monday and he asked if my shoulder's still injured? The embarassment...I failed him again. Nothing feels worse than that. My ankle had been hurting...I hate this. It's a part of my life for years now and it's hindering my kendo. I had been avoiding sports for that very reason for so long now...or being on my feet for excessive period of time. God help me again >_<

Maybe I'm just weak O_O

Untitled 34

2005-07-24T03:16:00.000-07:00

Nick is such a bitch. That's all I can say. This is the third break-up with Hui Wen already...

Anyway to cheer Hui Wen up, we went to Pancake Parlour twice where she had chocoalate pancake and hot chocolate and iced chocolate...going on a chocolate high is good for depression =D unless the depression is about being overweight.

And retail therapy helps anyday! I bought that cute, huge doggie bedroom slippers. Then we pay a visit to Miss Sixty (where we can probably afford next to nothing) for some unknown reasons. Surprisingly they were having a sale and I bought a cool black fur-collared jacket and she a black long-sleeved top. Made in Italy, not China LOL. I have to curb my spending for the next few weeks after that huge 'investment', as I like to call it =D

Then off to a spontaneous karaoke...no one else wanted to go, so both of us went to FM for an hour. Then wandered around the city, a strange encounter with an old man, some coffee, rain, cold then tram back.

Damn, this is sounding more like the shopping diary-like blog I used to write and bore the shit out of everyone.

Went bowling today. I suck so much at it! The ball never went straight. Then I slept right after lunch until about 7pm...I should stop such unhealthy lifestyle, it's killing me. Nauseous, headache and some mild fainting spells should warn me enough. Besides, uni is starting tomorrow and I need to get into shape to be able to face the stress and study. More kendo and swimming perhaps...where's Andrew and Mike when I need them >_<

I need exercise on Saturday too. Nanseikan? Will someone go wtih me? Although it would be so humbling to get thrashed by kids half my age =D and the issue of bogu.

My room needs some major cleaning up. After the somewhat 'disciplined' week when my housemate was in my room, I slacked and allowed my room to morph back into a warzone. Back then, I had been kind of afraid to throw my stuff around and had in fact been picking things up and putting them in place like a good girl. Man am I lazy...I can't remember a time when my room has been clean for a week.

The concept of kendo...is to develop/discipline the human character through the application of the ways of the katana.

I don't think this is helping me at all. I am a bad image for kendo...nothing's changing me. Hell, I'm sick of thinking I'm bad. Where were the days when I thought I was competent? I'm going to try some positive thinking for a week.

I love...putting "The Reason" on really loud despite the fear of going even more deaf.

Positive thinking! Need to hammer this into my head. I can do it! I hate law but I'll ganbatte this semester \(>0<)/

Phew...finally a post entry that makes sense.

untitled 33

2005-07-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so fickle-minded. But thanks Hui Wen.

There's some saying that goes "I'd rather be silent and look stupid than to open my mouth and prove it" or something like that. I guess I'm the opposite. Mainly because I think friends should like me for who I am rather than to find out later that I'm not the kind they'd want to mingle with.

I probably shouldn't care that the majority of people doesn't like me anyway. I'm uniquely disliked =D Especially with my bad writing skills, I'll get misunderstood more. Yay, let's hate Pei.

神様、もう少しだけ (God! Please give me more time) was so sad I woke up this morning feeling like a cry. I guess that also made me feel better about 'exposing my inner stupidness'...who exposes his/her bad points to everyone? Maybe that's one reason why I liked the main character.

Maybe everyone has an inner stupidness. Maybe everyone is hateable. Maybe it's about the degree of inner-stupidness-exposure.

Maybe I'm just wrong in everyway. Maybe I'm just misunderstood...saaa ne. Bencinya. Ngentot. Bangsat betul. But if everyone understands everything, what is the use of communication anyway. And blogging is one of the worst ways for interaction I reckon because it only captures a moment of one's life and not everything to it.

It's weird how the intentions and feelings put to me by others is always true whilst what I think I mean or feel is always false. As if I'm some dumb arse who could not tell between emotions and should not be allowed to feel. As if I should not be passionate about things I prioritize in life. As if I shouldn't be allowed to be overtly happy or sad or angry about events in life. As if I shouldn't be allowed to bitch at times and say things I don't mean and sulk and be childish (alone mind you) and throw a tantrum by writing bitchy posts that don't make sense. Or write about the world from Pei's point of view. Or say words like fuck or die bitch or shit. Or talk to myself when there is no one I can turn to.

Should go out more instead of saying cooped up in my room all day. It's screwing up my mind. My writing is making less and less sense.

untitled

2005-07-23T05:15:00.000-07:00

For many reasons, I've decided I am not responsible enough to be keeping a blog.

All my past reasons for keeping a blog is overshadowed.

It's diary from now on.

untitled 32

2005-07-21T23:39:00.000-07:00

Glad to be having my privacy again soon when my housemate move back.

untitled 32? i guess 31 is too long and unpublishable

I feel like deleting my blog. What's the point of all these? At the end of the day, after finishing one entry, I'd feel useless anyway. As if I've done something extremely stupid.

Why do I feel hate?

I don't understand a thing at all.

I'm simply a shell with no personality, waiting for reactions from others to follow/copy. Because if I don't, I'd probably be static and still, lifeless.

Why am I always misunderstood? Always always. Maybe the intentions and meanings I put to my actions are all false...everything put to me by others are true?

Fuck you.

If I die now, how easy it would be. Fuck you. That isn't what it seems.

It's no wonder Jason and I both hate psychologists or students of psychology. They think they know everything about human but in fact they are constricted by their knowledge and refuse to open their minds to numerous other possibilities. Bastards.

That is so valks-like.

I'm such a bitch, I wish I'd die. When nothing makes sense and nothing I do is right, nothing I think is not some shitty crap cooked up by some screwed up mind, nothing I say is worthy enough to be heard, what is the point of life anyway? When I will always be wrong no matter what? Even if someone were to teach me every detail about how to do things right, I'd still be wrong. Because I'm me. I have a fucked up mind; with a face to match. Beyond salvation. Even hell wouldn't accept me.

I am so despicable, even to myself. Even saying this is despicable. Wtf.

Maybe deep down inside I do have a personality, the one that directs my want and will. It's a completely screwed up one, btw. I hate pretending to be cheerful (if ever this is apparent). I'm really a sulky, solemn, unhappy being. I can drive anyone away with my aura even when I smile.

I should retire to some hole like a hermit and never face society again because I am unfit to mingle with them. That, or die.

You failure. Bitch.

Untitled 30

2005-07-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

Non kendo days are simply the time period between kendo.

After Monday's kendo, my archilles hurt so much I couldn't sleep. I had acupuncture on Tuesday and the pain is gone almost completely today...but acupuncture...

See, I would sacrifice almost anything for kendo; even enduring needles being stuck into my body. I won't start to describe how I nearly died at the sight of the needles because I simply turned away...if I had to see them being stabbed into my flesh again, I know I would freak out. Totally.

I convince myself that I'm not afraid of such petty pains because I'm a kendoka after all; I'm fearless, I'm invincible! (not working, not working). I expose my arms to shinai bruises without a second thought - a needle is merely a teeny miniature harmless version of the shinai. A kendoka should not fear.

That is why I consented to an intrusion of my body. He seemed to take forever...tearing open the package, removing the protective tube, holding the sharp edge to my skin, finding the right area...every second is an exponential increase in my heartbeat.

But when the needles are finally in, I freaked out mentally. I was shaking badly and trying my best to repress my tears. Such irrational fear! There is no significant physical pain...but I could feel the cold steel of the needles and my mind went berserk with madness. Needles in flesh...this couldn't be right! It's unnatural!

I was so wrong before. I claimed I would donate blood one day but I could never do it after all. I never had such courage and I could never lie to myself again.

The other patient talked a bit to me and I was half crying half stuttering in reply. I was so tensed up I shook; I tried not to move because I had this idea that the needles would rip me apart with any slight unnecessary movement. If this had continued any longer, I would really go hysterical...

15 minutes is all it takes. I can't believe I went through this. I had acupuncture quite a bit before and this fear is getting worse each time. Wtf is happening to my screwed up brain I have no friggin idea.

Bitch

There is only one bitch and that is me. It is a silly thing to do going around thinking "Fuck You, Bitch" all the time O_O This is getting to the stage where every single thing about him pisses me off - even traits that I would've liked in others. I'll wake up and see that it's my fault I hate him...what a silly, immature girl to dream of such wasteful course of action.

The Visit

I felt like an extra, since everyone is competing to do the more glamourous jobs. Shunned aside with constant false instructions that nothing has to be done, I retired to the kitchen where help is always welcomed (AND THEN the mob had to start invading the kitchen). I do not want to be where I am not wanted and since they enjoy doing what they do, there is no point in me joining this worthless competition anyway.

I'm different because I do not respect the visitors (important guests from oversease) anymore than the average human being while the rest *seems* to be grovelling at their feet. I only did this because I had to...I don't know what it is they've done to deserve my respect; simply labelled "Important" isn't enough for me, thank you.

In contrast, it would be very easy indeed for me to highly rever a kendo sensei...

Kendo

Jigeiko...I don't like it all that much. I got thrashed (as usual) by LW and yvonne and before my remaining hopes for my kendo is totally ruined by Roxy, I ran away to do Hiki Waza with the rest of the post-beginners =D Nah, just kidding. I haven't learnt my hiki waza so I'll have to do it.

Chiaki said that someone told her "Kendo is all about men cuts"; so I had been keeping this in mind. I should ban myself from doing doh cuts because I'm not good enough to execute proper doh cuts. Damn the nuki and hiki doh practice...it's hard because I almost always see only doh openings. Men and kote is hard. Untouchable =D

So...banned from doh. If I were Rock Lee or Gai Sensei, I'd probably go 'if I were to do a doh cut in jigeiko, I would do a thousand suburi'...but I'm not Rock Lee or Gai Sensei, hehe.

I talk too much about myself.

Arh another spontaneous karaoke on Monday. The last song "An Jing" is sort of my break up song with ET...I sang my heart out on that one and got Patrick and Yvonne to cover up my out-of-tune voice. Patrick sang Jay's songs so well I love hearing him...

-_-" Stoopid Kong...because of him, I'd keep thinking of him saying "Patrick looks tasty". Can't get that out of my head.

The Reason

By Hoobastank. Have you ever had a song that you'd listen to for the whole day for a year and still feel touched by it? This is mine. Speaking of which, I'm going to listen to it right now. I listened to it almost the whole of last night during the kendoka chat...I'm not going to put the lyrics up because I think I've done that twice before and I'll bore the shit out of everyone if I ramble on.

I think the most important part of a song is the instrumental beginning. Don't you think so? "The Reason" has the best one of all.

Italian brought back so much memories.

Untitled 29

2005-07-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

I have a somewhat weird/different taste in guys, physical appearance-wise...and I think I've just found out what it is. I'm quite attracted to guys with some feminine features to them o_O

Not that guys without feminine features are not good-looking. They're just another category =D

Bitch

I've never hated anyone for a long time now. In fact, I can't even remember hating anyone this much...the last person I hated was my mum and that's in primary school. I think I'm generally easy-going and I don't care what you do to me (that much) and I'd forget everything after five minutes of fuming. That has been the pattern for at least the last decade...I can't remember hating anyone for more than a day. Thank my lousy memory for the hate-free years.

But now everytime I see him, I get pissed off at everything about him. The way he walks, the way he talks...even little things like his clothes. I just get mad...I guess this is what you would call hate. In comparison, I never hated valks...I get annoyed but that's it (sometimes even get a good laugh off him). Although I claim to hate some of my ex-bfs, but I never really feel 'hate'...simply sad or disappointed. I don't get pissed off whenever I see them. This, on the other hand, is on a completely different level.

Hopefully this 'hate' phase would go off soon. I don't like hating. I'll just get mad for no reasons...might be PMS or something but I never keep track.

Oh well...it's too tiresome to hate and I'm feeling too lazy to do that now.

Coward

I don't have the courage to be myself. For that matter, I don't even know who 'myself' is.

Why do I sound so stupid all the time? And publish them on a BLOG?

I remember Darren Hayes' (Savage Garden) song "Santa Monica"...but on the telephone line I'm anyone, I'm anything I want to be; I could be a super model, Norman Mailer and you wouldn't know the difference. I guess this is the only place in the world where I can express my honest feelings without fear. It's sad because I'm generally talking to myself. I can't talk to anyone else so honestly...or clearly. I think I may have speech problems. And hearing problems >_<

This blog is really going nowhere. Sometimes I wonder if it's alright to make people read such boring things? It's alright stashed away in some private diary behind some drawers where all my stupidity are kept secret.

Mmm...I wish I were more attractive. I hate looking at myself in the mirror...I'll pretend I look alright. The way I try to pretend my kendo looks alright. If caught on video, I would rather die than have a look.

Kendo?

I didn't feel like going kendo. I know I will suck and it'll take a bloody long time to cross this hurdle (hiki waza).

I seem to get all kinds of injuries from Kendo...I know I shouldn't be doing such sports. My doctor advise against any activities that places too much impact on the body. I was thinking a few nights ago that I might not be able to make it all the way in Kendo...maybe I shouldn't start on something that I know I'm not capable of completing. If only my body allows me...I don't know long more it will last.

It's so easy to give up right now...but I won't. If I want to die, I'll die doing kendo. Good way to die. Sounds way better than jumping off a cliff or starving or bleeding to death. Death by Kendo.

Or by persisting in Kendo despite injuries/fatigue and aggravating them to my death. That was my motto in Camp anyway.

What shitloads of BS I've been unloading tonight. Too much blogging.

untitled 29

2005-07-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen someone so beautiful you cried?

This would be the third person this year. At the airport. I couldn't stop staring until he walked away...even as I stare at his back, I felt my world disappearing into ugliness. Nothing could ever be beautiful again for a while.

I felt as if I need to be a better person after that. I want to change...but I'm still searching for myself. Who do I want to be? What do I want? What am I willing to sacrifice?

My life is stagnant...there is a massive inertia preventing change and I think it's me, and I know there is nothing in my power I can do to change this. Years of failure taught me that. It's an unbroken cycle that I'm sick of by now.

Bitch

I shouldn't hate, nor should I get mad; so I wouldn't. I've released all my bitchings and that's that. Nothing further. I'll be ignorant towards everything else and I wouldn't expect to be well-liked. Maybe I don't need to be well-liked...I have to pretend so much I'll puke sooner or later. It's a love me or leave me thing. Although I would feel infinitely better with the former, but oh well you can't get everything in the world. I'm just greedy.

untitled 28

2005-07-15T02:27:00.000-07:00

I have great sympathy for my housemate who's going to share my room for a week. I feel bad having her live in such a smelly and dirty pigsty...her room is so super clean and nice-smelling and decorated. While mine...the minute she stepped into my room, I notice her cringing and she asked me to open the window >_< I think my room stinks.

No, it's not "I think" anymore. It's a fact. I wished she's allowed to move out for a week to Kris's place...I feel so bad for the state of my room...I feel it every second she's in my room. Ouch...I'll clean up some more over the next few days after I've finished catching up with sleep...how do I unstink my room? Open the windows? I've done that almost everyday.

I saw Roxy's and her housemate's room the other day...I wish my room look like that =D One is Red, one is Pink.

My room is white. And I mean just white; from the white walls. There is nothing in the world I can do about it to make the walls less white...this might not make sense in a way because my favourite color is white after all.

But this white is different. It is the unpleasant, depressing white. The kind that induced more loneliness when you're lonely, more sadness when you're sad. It looks depressing even when I'm uber happy. As if such intense whiteness could reflect all the sadness it'd witnessed over the years...like a vast mass of never ending depression dump.

I tried in vain to erase the whiteness effect...but even blood red roses could not provide cover. The whiteness of the wall seems to swallow all colors I tacked onto it...all the posters and wrapping papers are useless against it...too huge to conquer. I swear the white walls seem to be staring coldly at me all the time. Not smirk or snicker or taunt or bully; simply a cold stare.

I hate my room.

Bitch

There are two bitches. One is me. The other is a fkn pretentious hypocritical boot-licker. I'm the slack arse uncaring bitch, sometimes pretentious too. They don't click well and probably dislike each other. Oh well. I'll stop bitching. I just cbf and I want to keep my heart free from hate...the therapeutical monotony helped.

The Visit

Enough said without being disrespectful. I cbf...I'll hate every moment of it...the things I sacrifice for this. But this life isn't mine anyway, so I have no say in what I should care about. Life isn't about doing what one enjoys doing because what is enjoyable is a sin. Life is always owed to someone else...if you throw it away, it's their loss.

I should be honored so much so that I'll cat fight to serve them and to gather all these fkn good deeds so that I'll go to some boring heaven. Or get a better life in my next life.

In some ways I respect the Master because of the wisdom he sometimes impart and I always feel much wiser after a talk session. Almost as if I walk away a better person, although of course I don't simply become a better person without doing anything.

I hope I can go around with a smile tomorrow instead of a face that says "Screw you".

More Randoms

2005-07-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

It's fun not to make sense...I love being random.

Hypothetical courtesy of shiko king. If you were stranded on some isolated island with the rest of the UMKC kendokas with no food and were forced into cannibalism, who would be the first and last person you'll eat? Female and male separate. Some of the answers were

1st MALE
Caleb - Healthy choice. Patrick - Loads of flesh. Andrew L - Looks delicious and fleshy. Some other enmity issues =D get rid of the person you hate first. Valks - We'll get so sick after eating him that we wont need food for a long long time.

Last MALE
Valks - Looks least tastiest. Jimmy/Anthony/Josh - Too skinny, nothing to eat. Yakov sensei - No mood to eat after seeing him. KevinC - too much muscles, cant chew into his flesh. Andrew L.

Hehe, we were going yummmm when we saw patrick after kendo.

1st FEMALE
There are too little females in the club...hmmm...Rina/Chiaki/Yvonne/Jessie - looks tastiest. And...get rid of the most annoying person in the club first =D

Last FEMALE
Chiaki - looks scariest. Ting - too skinny.

My Family Tree

I have this sudden urge to map out my family tree...lest I forget.

Mum: Yvonne
Step father: Kong (one night stand)
Brothers: Patrick and Koji and JC (Jimmy's brother, fathered by Kong)
Sisters: Roxy and Janice
*all different fathers. Mum was too drunk to notice who dad is*
My Unfillial Son: Andrew K (no more allowance!)
Fathered by Valks (got raped on the end of semester dinner night)
Son's grandaughter, who is my great grandaughter: Lin Wei, who is pregnant (raped by....hehe)
Did I miss anyone?

The Next Week

Been having as much fun as possible before they're all gone. Before uni starts and we'll be back burying ourselves in books. Or next week when I'll have to stay home all day and possibly not be able to make it to kendo. This suck. I don't see the point in making such a big fuss over their visit; I don't feel the same amount of reverance and I don't give sh*t about all these. I dislike the people here, we're too different to intergrate. I hate having to do all these pretentious stuff.

I would only be too happy to move out. But I know that is not a possibility. So I'll just shut up and pretend to be nice...I'll bow to you every opportunity I can, I'll serve you like a humble slave. And although I'm nice enough to respect everyone, I don't think you're God.

Arh...it is not true to snub money as a thing of the greedy. How much it's controlled my life, I cannot fathom.

I feel like a principle-less, achievement-less armchair critic picking on everything. With so much flaw to myself, I don't deserve the right to complain.

Sometimes, I wish I know how to communicate my care and concern to another human being. How come others know everything about what to do and I don't.

I miss my mum

2005-07-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

So many blog entries today. I must be really bored.

I miss my mum. Quite intensely now. Listening to our favourite album...we'll have that in the car all the time, all hols. Never tiring of it even after long trips, spinning the album for hours and hours. I never particularly enjoyed staying with my mum all the time because we'll quarrell about everything and she never lets me go out. So what am I missing? Mmm...

A few months ago when I came back for my second year of uni, I cried for a couple of days missing my mum. That blog entry can be found somewhere in the archive.

I never imagined I'd miss my mum this much. Maybe it's the sense of closeness...which isn't that possible because we were sworn enemies so many times LoL it's hard to tell when we were ever close? No matter what she's done to my life, no matter how much the past hurts, no matter how much she still controls my life...

I don't know, maybe this is what they call Love? I'm not an expert on that subject.

But how can two people who try so hard to hurt each other all their lives, fight, quarrell, have completely different mentality, and hate each other so persistently over the years, forgive and forget and still care for one another all the time?

Maybe we know each other too well. I don't know. I want my mummy.

Hui Wen is back!

2005-07-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

http://combie.blogspot.com/

How long ago was her blog last up and running! I miss your sarcastic tone (even in sad posts), I've even forgotten to be happy and funny =D The killing pigeons in the park days, lol.

How funny was it when we were both single and perving on hot guys. And chocolate obsessed so much, we had this 'Choc in baby out' motto. Heh, perving isn't half as fun done alone...hot guys don't interest me as much anymore. And they'll always be less good-looking after a while >_<

Well...I don't know why I'm writing this blog entry for. Maybe to feed my procrastination needs...the warzone called my room is screaming to be cleaned up. I've been doing this for a while already, not only since this morning (which is unfortunately occupied by oversleeping) but 2 weeks ago.

I've always successfully evaded "Cleaning Up" more than "Telling mum I broke the vase/do something bad" or "Vaccination" (since I'll always get physically dragged into the car and into the clinic, had to be held down, bribed, cajoled, persuaded for hours, beaten up).

Last year I left "Packing and Cleaning Up" dwindling for a whole month. For 30 days, I sat around in my room, looking exasperately at the mess and pretending they're never there. Or I'll pick something up, hold it cluelessly for a while and give up.

Maybe I have too many things. This couldn't be true because I can never find stuff to wear.

When the mess or the worrying about the mess gets too much, I'll get away from my warzone for a while...pretending they never existed or plagued my life. As if absence would solve the problem...I'll come home one day and my room would be magically cleaned up. And I'll realize that the months of carefully messing my room up to such a perfect state is but a dream...Unfortunately, that never happens. I don't even know why I actually harboured that hope.

I dreamt of a clean room, a few times. When I didn't wake up to one, I'll desparately dream the same dream again.

Why can't I enjoy cleaning up like a girl should? Why can't my hobby be keeping my room perfectly straight, clutter-free and full of girly stuff like those stoopid soft toys? Even a pig wouldn't live in my room.

What has to be done, has to be done. Usually on the very last day, tears in my eyes and hysterical thoughts occupying all of my mind, screaming at all the rubbish and books and clothes, throwing stuff around in despair and repressing my tantrum and pulling my hair out and hating every moment, I'd somehow...somehow managed it.

This is a cycle that would never end. I'm witnessing one right now...the grand finale would be...either tomorrow or the day after. I'm not looking forward to it. My sanity would be very fragile to say the least. You're warned to disregard anything stoopid I would be saying over the next 48 hours. There would be a major decay of my understanding as a normal civilized human being... >_<

Random happenings

2005-07-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

I'm always behind with my post entries. These are random happenings god-knows-when...at least those that I remembered. Not in chronological order either. Some happened like agesssss ago...I'm lazeeeee man.

1) I always thought the threat of carrying someone in a boot is only a threat...something that you don't do. Man was I wrong! Victor just willingly jumped into LW's boot at someone's suggestion...That is how LW drove 7 people to the after dinner karaoke. I missed the after karaoke fun...too sick to continue.

2) Victor smashed a cake into Koji's face on his birthday!

3) First time I had beer. At Amy's party. I smelt of smoke...hate that.

4) Had coffee at Plush Fish for the first time today with Koji. Didn't realize that cinnamon coffee is actually edible.

5) The cough medicine effect is the worst thing one could ever go through. Drowsiness and headaches and faintings and nauseousness and diarrhoea. I don't know how long I was unconscious for in the toilet O.O What a wrong time to have a fainting spell. I think I'd rather cough to death than to have the cough medicine effect to death.

6) Two person in the front passenger seat. Mmmm

7) After much thinking...the male kendoka whom I'd bring to the 3-week round the world trip is probably Koji. On the outlook, he seems to be the best person with the map (at least I can see him holding a map and not get lost).

8) My jacket stink of some ammonia-like chemical after I collected it from the dry-cleaners. YUCK! Now it's dirty again, no idea where else to send it for cleaning.

9) Samurai Champloo has the coolest music in any anime I've seen. Thanks kevH

10) K is probably the person I wouldn't be able to understand at all. I just....don't understand him at all =D

11) The only reason I picked AL for that dinner-with-parents question was because he's probably the only person my parents would approve. Asian; check. Law or Med student; check. Not short and has good features for feng shui purposes; check. Not raised in china/taiwan/hongkong/japan; check. God knows what else. I hope they'll not interfere with bf's anymore. More than half my break-ups were instigated by them...I'm 20 already >_<

12) I don't like m or a that way -_-"

13) I have a screwed up family tree =D HAHA!

14) I think I've hurt L in some way. Don't know. I didn't really like the way he's always leaning into me all the time...so I tried to keep my distance for a while. Did the ignoring thing for a bit. What kind of a friend am I...I ffk him quite a bit too.

15) Hah! Talking about doing the ignoring thing. I'm pretending valks is invisible. That's too bad because I can't talk about Trungdo and the evil waza.

16) I hate taking care of the kids...I'm just no good with them. They hate me and I hate them. It's mutual. I have nothing to teach them too, and they have nothing they want to learn from me. When they're bad, I just want to throw them out of the window. That or give them a good punch on their annoying face. Trying to act all cool when all they look like are some annoying kids trying to be cool and rebellious. It's dangerous to put me with kids, there's no knowing what I'll do to them when I explode.

17) HUI WEN'S BLOG IS FINALLY UP! Muaks love you honey! It's one of my favourite blogs.

I'm tired now. Write more when I think of funny stuff.

untitled 27

2005-07-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ooops, you came to the wrong webbie. Go back.

Haha. I've decided pink is too much for my eyes. This is so not me...all black? I would've died once upon a time before I go all boring like this.

I just woke up one day and became a different person. Overnight. Just like that, the years of pink obsession is gone. I used to hate boring clothes...all my jackets has got fur. Bright colorful clothes. The kind that people would stop to notice and comment ("Are you going on some special occasion?", "You dress like a diva" etc. LOL).

One day I brought out my furry white jacket and I surprised myself by not daring to wear it. I thought the fur was too big and I'll catch too much attention...and it was my favourite piece of jacket too. From that day on, I never wear any of my fur jackets. I gave them away...and had to buy new boring ones. Black. Black clothes are stacking up fast. This is so weird....and I never wear any of my nice bright colorful clothes since...everyday I'll desparately turn my wardrobe upside down in search of boring clothes (which are really hard to find). No more mini-skirts or sleeveless or low necks.

Something strange is happening. I can't believe this. I'm becoming what I used to hate without any apparent reasons. And so abruptly too...I want to dress all in black all the time. What's with this obsession?

EDIT: The exact day when this change occur was...the first time I met up with the other kendoka's for karaoke. It's not them, I was simply carrying my jacket around before o_O

And I desparately need to progress with my so-called resolution. Progress 0% so far. How come I'm not surprised.

untitled 26

2005-07-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

Just a thought.

I always thought that the best way to deliberately end one's life is by starvation. Unlike most other means, it is not instantenous...one has plenty of time to think and reflect. Whether or not death is what one really wants? Or simply a solution to a temporary problem? In any time one may choose to resume life without permanent damage and perhaps with a wiser(?) mind. Or if not, it would not be too ugly a death.

So saying, there is no beautiful death.

And the possibility of a more troublesome place beyond the human realm is quite a deterrance. Too dependant on security.

I did once. Except an unexpected solution came up. Not a desirable one, and I can't even remember what anymore. My parents control more of my life than I could imagine.

Arh strange, the trigger and subsequent events. Sometimes I thought it's the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone (in this era at least)...it's a shame of the past. I live my life up til now pretending it never happened. The only 3 (or 10?) people who knew would never talk about it (hopefully?). Almost as if it's never been recorded in history...if I forget, it'll simply be gone. Just like that, I desparately struggle to change history.

Well, that's 'worst' from one point of view =D It probably isn't.

untitled 25

2005-07-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what to say. This must be one of the worst day of my life. Well...it really depends on how one would classify 'worst'. Worst for me today isn't some angst-full morning. I felt nothing.

I would really have cs if I hadn't fainted in the toilet.

Please do not ask me anything about this post; you'll only make me feel worse. Let's leave it at that and pretend nothing's ever happened.

Sick

2005-07-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's past 4.30 in the morning and I have no one to complain to but my blog.

I was exhausted and sleepy from 4 straight days of kendo, but I can't sleep. Coughing kept me awake, my lungs and throat are so painful already from constant coughing. I feel weak and cold. I'm right in front of the heater, my skin is almost burning from the heat yet I'm shivering uncontrollably from inside my bones.

Not one for medication, I'm actually feeling quite desparate for a cure now...I've rarely been to the doctors or taken any medication for any sickness that I've had in the past, so I would have no idea what to do with a cough. Someone help! Don't think I'll be able to go out in this condition...even typing took so much energy. But who on earth is up at this ungodly hour?

Kendo

2005-07-02T03:25:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I want more than to not suck in Kendo.

After my first jigeiko experience (despite being unprepared, blame it on Yano-sensei), I totally understand how important Kihon is. I feel so bad now for not working hard enough on Kihon before. If only I've tried harder, if only I've practised more...what I used to think is 'enough' is not even close to adequate. I think I'm more like the Rock Lee material except without the hardworking trait.

The two highest dan at the Monash camp today told me I've acquired a 'funny' habit (funny as in 'improper' and not 'humourous'). Feet shuffling. Yakov sensei & Mike told me this before too, and I've been trying to change this for some time now. Not good enough, or didn't bother enough or I just plain suck. Now where's my men....

Kendo is always a very humbling experience for me. Always, always =D

I hate tsuki, especially when it's hard and misses the armour bit. Surprisingly, tsuki gave me a worse momentary headache than a hard men. I didn't realize tsuki would be the hit I hate most considering I used to think tsuki must be the least painful one. Stoopid me.

Oh jigeiko? No zanshin. No yoku datotsu (sp?). No big cuts. No fumikomi. Improper footwork. Bad posture. No kikentainoichi. No tenouchi. Missed target. Have I listed everything essential to execute a proper kihon? Haha. No, actually, I had quite okay okuri-ashi *vain attempt to salvage my last prides* but I might have left foot going past right at an angle

And plus I'm so terribly unfit! Maybe that's why A wanted to go swimming. Have to start building stamina if I don't wish to die....I had almost dropped from exhaustion on Friday, only my will kept me standing O.O

Eekk....chiaki is scary.

K is so mean to me, hehe.

I'm not exactly looking forward to kendo tomorrow. I know my body's almost at its limit and if I were to push it beyond that, it'll just produce bad kendo. Experience from Ballarat camp. I mean I could go on if I have to, but I'll prefer to have enough rest...quality training.

Why do I always talk so much about kendo? Yak yak yak. I'm only making myself sound stoopid. But wth, this is my blog =D

untitled 24

2005-06-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Failed to retire early tonight for a less torturing Friday morning Kendo. Nauseous and headache.

I lay sleeplessly trying so hard to sleep...various thoughts occupy my mind (involuntarily). The past haunts me. Some seemingly insignificant, some a substantial portion of my life. So many things...the time must have been long when I was first here in the world.

The saying goes "There is no use crying over spilt milk". But that is only an outsider's view. The reality is, the past is what makes a person; how can a person ever forget? The numerous lessons learnt from pain or joy, the experience, if forgotten will unmake a person, wouldn't it?

I have indeed changed so much. I don't even know if that is what I want; maybe I change to pursue too many frivolous momentary desires?

Ah but the past...the pain seems harmless now, the joy is somewhat painful. Staying well within my comfort zone, I feel silly agonizing over nothing, laughing over nothing. The memories are tasteless without the same emotions. But how intense they were at the time! The feelings were so real, I can't deny their existance. And neither should anyone. Tell me to not worry or be sad? That's ridiculous, expecting a human not to feel anything.

some random late night thoughts

2005-06-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

Face it. You don't like people who don't like you or who bitches about you. You don't like people who do not correspond to your sense of right and wrong, who do not do what YOU want. We're all bitches inside and there is nothing you can do to change that fact. You may *try* to put up an act, try to play the hero/heroine of the story, having YOUR justice prevail at the end of the day. Have your historians write some glorious literature. But you're still a bitch. Inside, you're truly rotten.

Someone once told me 'IMO can't be friends with everyone' and I can see why. We're all too much of a bitch to socialize.

Defensive and angry? I'm not. I just can't stand bitchings. There's so much going on about NOTHING all the time...sometimes I wonder if it's only natural? To be human is to be the devil.

Arh....not like me to indulge in philosophy (anymore). Kendo cravings in the wee hours of the morning. Starting iaido thurs. I think the holidays did something weird to my brain...I became so forgetful o_O I went to kendo late on Monday because I thought it starts at 5.30 instead of 5.00. Bah, I'm back to being the blur queen. I used to go to schools on public holidays because I forgot. I forgot everything and anything. Once, I was going about in my room without my pants because I forgot =.=" Why am I even admitting this here? That's bloody embarassing...Anyway, when I tell teachers that I forgot (homework, exams, class duties etc.), I'm not just some delinquent student finding an excuse; I really DID forgot. I'm the type who always forgot what she wants to say. I'll put my hand up to answer in class and I'll forgot immediately after I was called out.

I have this tendency to boast about my bad points, I love telling people how bad I am. I'm lazy and stupid. I have no determination or goal in life. I'm fat and ugly because I eat out of depression. My kendo sux big time. I'm selfish. HAHA. All I ever talk about is myself. Almost all my sentences starts with "I" something something.

It might be from my weird 'perfectionist' nature (for lack of better term). If I'm going to be good, I'll be the best. And if I can't be the best, I'll try to be the WORST. I don't want middle ground. If I can't get a 90%, I'll rather fail than to get an 80% (exceptions apply).

That was a thing of the past though. Because, 'best' used to be achievable. Or because I used to try harder? I don't know. Or I've become more stupid. I feel myself deproving each year...while everyone advanced in their lives, I've merely rotted behind...mentally, I felt as if I've aged (not 'matured' but aged) to a stage near senile.

Ok, where's the resolution list. Pretty sure the above are prohibited =D Heh! Pretend you didn't cry tears and sweat blood to get thru all that. Sleep.

untitled 24

2005-06-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

I think I might have gradually developed immunity to alcohol. Don't know if this is a good or bad thing? I used to be very bad with alcohol. The first time I took a sip (a cocktail I believe), I had an almost immediate headache+rashes and fell sick for a couple of days. Subsequent attempts results in the same thing...I'll go *very* red and have rashes all over my shoulders and chest and joints. Last year during a ball, I had less than a quarter glass of red wine and I think I went quite drunk O_O It's annoying coz all my ball photos had me with really red face.

But last Friday during K, I'm pretty sure I had at least 1 and 1/2 bottles of beer O_O with the mini drinking game and all, haha. But I didn't get drunk or anything. I didn't notice any rashes - just hot.

Oh well....two days later (which is today) I had rashes on my knees and shoulder/chest area. This is WEIRD. I should have been some drunken idiot with that amount of alcohol. And no hangovers? This is new...

I think my brother told me he was once alcoholic. Eekk...what happens to good girl Pei? ^_^

ANYWAY, on a different topic

I'm thinking of changing my lifestyle. This isn't the first time I've said this to myself; that I'll need some radical changes in my life. I've just got no determination to complete what I've started >_< This is, what, the gazillionth time? It'll probably be about the same things.

First, no more junk food. I'm feeling so unhealthy from them. And no sleeping after eating - a bad habit acquired from staying home too much.

Keep my room tidy and maintain it all year (I can hear groanings from certain people already)...my room is popularly known as THE warzone. Haha, I'm actually famous for having the most untidy room anyone has ever seen. No one has beaten me as yet.

Health. I'm the unhealthiest person on the face of earth. I drink less than a glass of water a day. Improper diet. Too much rubbish and not enough of the important stuff. Needa lose some weight here...I put on like 10-15kg after coming to Aus and I feel so lethargic.

Study. Go to lectures. Read stuff beforehand.

No depressing. Be happy. No thinking about boring, meaningless, stressful and unnecessary things. Be single. Contact my friends more. No bitching. No prejudicing. No hating anyone (not even myself. actually, mainly not myself). Have enough sleep, good for skin. Stop being such a lazy-arse. Be more considerate.

Okay, I'll be happy to achieve the first four. People who knows me would simply brush that off as simply another one of my one-week-long-resolution. I admit this IS another one of those >_< I can so imagine how this would end up in a fortnight's time...

I'm ashamed of myself and hate myself for being so undisciplined. And now that I've publicly 'announce' my resolutions, there would be more to be ashamed of =D Darn, I can see myself regretting this in a week.

I wish I can get my bum off this chair and get things started. I can't be bothered really >_< Laundry first, come on chupchup. Get all those clothes off the floor, put them into the laundry basket. Another naruto cd...NO! Laundry first. Someone, hit me with a shinai. I wanna finish listening to this song first. The procrastination! Actually, I should be getting off this blog first. Who the hell am I talking to? "Inner Pei" =D

untitled 23

2005-06-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

I do not like him. Full stop. There is nothing else to say =D I'm a person of few words, hehe.

And although I *may* perve at cute guys, I don't think that means anything more than just perving at cute guys (okay, guilty guilty. But since Hui Wen stopped doing it, her 'bad' influence on me had withered somewhat).

I'm at the stage where I'm highly volatile =S I'm full of contradictions.

And I'm in no mood to write about anything else...rather than writing all these boring stuff, I'd prefer to watch some anime or something more interesting than rotting in front of the computer writing boring stuff. Someone should really confiscate my computer! But on second thoughts, no thanks.

I'm off! Horoscope on friendster has all three love, money and attitude meter full today! Although I don't trust their predictions, but this is a good one to believe =D Yay, anime marathon.

boring kendo diary

2005-06-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

I realized that I've never had anything in kendo. I have no idea where this sudden sense of inferiority came from...maybe from watching the really good seniors and then observing the beginners, note the differences and faults and realized that I'm guilty of all of them. Or maybe from hearing someone says he/she has X when I don't see it in his/her kendo.

There was a period of time when I thought I had Kikentai no ichi (at least something that resembles the concept), but I never came anywhere near it. I never had fumikomi. All I achieved was simply timing my cut and right foot to land at the same time - something I mistook for a victorious step into kikentai no ichi. Kevin was totally right. And I thought I was humble...what I didn't realize was that I've always been overestimating myself.

I have no idea if I have 'sharp' cuts instead of heavy/light ones. I have no idea how much right vs. left hand I'm using. And I have no idea if my effort on fumikomi is going anywhere. Darn, I want more kendo practice!!! Must focus during training...I don't know if I can start going to other dojo's during the holidays? I'll be bored shitless otherwise. Plus I was thinking of doing iaido...dont know if anyone else is interested. Obviously, only me has nothing else to do with life than to turn it into a martial arts freak one.

No idea what else I should be working on? mmm...maybe work on being less embarassed when I kiai =D

I have a *relatively* new goal in kendo - to model my kendo to look like person Z (what's with all these x, y, z? -_-"). A couple of weeks ago on a Friday morning training, I totally fell in love with his kendo style lol. It looks 'beautiful' if that makes sense.

untitled 22

2005-06-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

Somehow I dread the holidays. It would be a long period of nothingness. Not that now isn't nothingness, but holidays give more time for reflection and wonderings...the nothingness of this life became so stark.

Sure, I'll go out, have fun, watch some movies or anime and then what? I'll come back home, sleep and wake up to the same thing the next day. Or I'll waste away sleeping and wake up feeling sick. There would be no end to this cycle...and when uni starts, I'll simply fill in the gaps with travelling and dreading uni.

If life is such nothingness, why do I have to live it? There are so many ways to distract me from this question, yet they would simply be pretense. A longer path to reaching the same nothingness.

I do not despise this; rather I fear it.

untitled 21

2005-06-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

It is weird how I think of anthony when I hear the song "Gu Dan Bei Ban Qiu" by Ou De Yang.

.....

The song is supposed to remind me of someone else.

A lesson learnt, nevertheless. In expense of friendship, peace of mind and honour; so much to lose before I finally see...

If there is any hatred left, it should not be directed at him no more but me. The shame of the past.

untitled 20

2005-06-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe it'd the exam-induced stress. Maybe it's past midnight and I'm not in the right mind; my feelings all over the place. So many of them at once.

No words in the world can describe what kind of a bitch I am. Now I am no longer surprised at the hatred directed at me...for my selfish ends, always. I slander. I abandon. I pose and lied. I'm the knife behind that innocent smile, the fire under your blanket. I'll take a stab when you're not looking if it benefits me. Me, me, ME - it's always me in my mind, first and foremost.

Have I never cared? Am I even human?

I proclaim that I'm abstaning from bitching, but did I really? When I catch myself in action and stop, it's too late. Always in that perpetual state of mindless wanderings, never thinking or caring. I am the kind I hate most.

I never do what I'm supposed to do. It's a personality flaw. If I fail, it would totally be my own fault for being lazy. I'm like some useless piece of object floating aimlessly in some waters; without dreams or determination or principles, without a character of its own - simply being a nothing. An expensive nothing, really, considering the amount of hopes and $$$ my parents unsuspectingly heaped on a nothing.

AND I want everything. Doing nothing. What kind of bullshit is this??!! FCUK man.

People hate superficial sh*t caring people, it's just the way things work. I'm superficial. VERY. From this point on, hate me.

Blood Donation?

2005-06-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I never fail to do, that is to embarass myself. Anytime, anywhere, you can count on me to do just that.

Actually, add 'not studying' to that list too (>_<) 本当に死ぬ...

Last Friday, Yvonne 'conned' me into going to the blood donation thingy at Union House. My immediate response was a mental scream 'no'; but I was entertaining the idea nevertheless. My parents used to donate blood quite regularly and they would *try* to make me do it too but I'll do the scream/cry/sulk/rebel/physical-resistance combo to avoid.

I'm not just a rebellious kid, really. I do freak out at needles and blood.

Last Friday I was quite gungho about facing my fear in the face, especially after kendo. I psych myself up with the 'I can do it' sh*t they used to teach us in high school and really thought I would finally conquer this irrational fear.

All my resolutions fell once I stepped into the Buffet Hall. The sight of needles stirs up my imagination; holding the needle so close to the skin for ages, and the jabbing into the veins, piercing through all that pain nerves...my first instinct is 'flight and preservation'. I had a flash of all the sufferings in hell and I was shaking...

Blood is another issue. The occasional moments when my mind is especially imaginative, there were wild images of humans and animals being hacked up with axes, parangs, swords etc...and I would be one of them. I feel myself being cut up...the pain of being slowly tortured.

The blood in those packages look like life itself. As if someone is killed and contained in them.

Yet the hall is relatively quiet, unlike the warzone in my mind. I couldn't find the courage that I came with. Again, I had to succumb to my fear and I felt really sorry.

ペイはとても馬鹿ですね。。。

The truth they tell

2005-06-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

My parents, being traditionally supersitious, brought me to fortune-tellers all the time. I never liked what I heard about my love life.

I was told that at this young age, I wouldn't know what I want. I'm fickle. All the love I seek would be short-lived and end up in heartaches...my love comes late. Hard as I try to prove all of them wrong, the predictions come true one by one. One after another...many insincerities, betrayals, lies, jerks and bastards later, I finally believed them.

Even up til now, I'm so fickle I couldn't be sure what I'll be like the next minute. I'm afraid of myself sometimes, I change all the time. What, exactly, do I want? I have no idea.

Why am I feeling so sad now? Didn't I decide to say 'no'?

And wait til I'm at the age specified by the fortune-tellers?

This is getting crazy...don't know what to think, what to do, what to say. Need time alone...no, scrape that; time alone is bad. I had some time alone this afternoon and look what good it did me. Just more thinking.

Pei, go study please... >_<

No

2005-06-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

だめ！だめだよ！彼が好きじゃない。。。

Wa buey sai luan luan lai.

mi piace ma non l'amo...e` come un fratello

tak boleh cincai lah

我不能爱你。Haha! My atrocious chinese! It's not even what I want to say, but I don't know enough chinese to be writing that.

I'm just...different...I want different things. This would all end up badly I'm sure. All for my selfish ends...I'm sorry.

love?

2005-06-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

Talked to my aunty/cousin on msn just a while ago...about some confusion I had...some doubts and worries. She had great advices sometime!

gee i don't know... i just felt that i should give it a shot. i mean i was totally not attracted to him but i figured he fulfills so much of my criteria maybe i would grow to like him. trust me it was hard... but now i'm so in love wit him...

u never know when they're the right one... but you will never ever know if you don't try.

mr right is someone u feel perfectly comfortable with... no matter what the situation. you adore everything they do... and u're just so relaxed around them. and everything just feels right.

the main thing to keep in mind is that it has to feel right inside, and your mind has to think of it as being right. that's why he's called mr right.
trust me it's actually true... u'll know when u meet someone. and u feel that way

How do one get into relationships? Just by trial and error? Is there no other way to *know* that he's Mr Right? It'll save the world so many heartaches :D

untitled 19

2005-06-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm such a bitch. I judge people too much...outwardly. I care too much about stuff that don't even matter.

I care too much about what others think so much so that I can't be myself. I can't want the things I want.

Maybe I can't stand backstabbings...maybe I can't accept the fact that I'm a social failure. I don't want to be the loser...I want to be accepted. I'd do anything for that end.

The Wonders of Sleep (?)

2005-06-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

Eekk...my hyper happy mood never lasts long =D Kendo looking good. Must be the 15 hour sleep I put in beforehand...had a cold and decided to rest. Ouch my nose hurts from blowing too much. The mucus won't leave me alone.

It's Jason's fault for exposing me to the super cold in the State Library's 3rd floor...aside from the fact that I've been caught in the rain so many times.

Nonetheless, it didn't spoil my hyper happy mood!

I want...okonomiyaki...I'll hunt for it next week during my daily visit to the library.

So what spoils my mood is...k's weird change. k just stops talking to me...wouldn't reply my messages either. Somehow, I can't stop distressing over this; I wonder what the hell have I done wrong? He's always been super nice to me (in his own way, haha), I'd feel guilty for doing anything bad.

This had affected me so much I've even dreamt of k last night >_< Weird dream. Eekk...dont know if I should be talking about this. Anyway, I bermimpi dia cium saya and minta saya jadi teman wanita. Dalam mimpi tu, saya bersetuju...entah mengapa saya sangat gembira. Saya tak pernah menganggap dia lebih daripada seorang kawan.

*sigh* That sure is confusing. Now I really don't know what to think or how to interpret my emotions o_O

Needa hug. *calls hired personal hugger*

untitled 18

2005-05-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

I want to die because I need to escape.

It'll all be nice and good if I'm a mechanical device programmed to do exactly what you want PERFECTLY. But I'm all too human...kill me because I'm human.

We're different beings altogether, yet we are so similar. Does this make sense?

It is not cowardice to run away. I'll call it exhaustion. When I was younger and much spirited, I could be rebellious and still go through all these nonsense; surviving. But now that there is a limit to how much I could take...I do NOT wish to stand for all these.

Nonsense. That's what everything's full off. It's a matter of whether or not you like the nonsense to be putting up with it.

But what if you hate every single nonsense out there? Or what if you hate most of the nonsense to such an extent that your great love for a single nonsense becomes insignificant? What if you just want to be rid of every single nonsense?

And what if, to be rid of all that nonsense, you'll have to escape? And the only way to escape absolutely is to die?

Living makes as much sense as eating shit.

untitled 17

2005-05-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Wasn't in the writing mood the past few days. Much happenings though, with kendo camp and all.

Been feeling good about kendo leading up to camp before the downhill ride after Saturday morning. The night on Saturday must be one best described as 'detached'. I feel so suicidal I wanted to find a cliff to throw myself off from, or a knife to slit my wrist with. But Ballarat has got no cliff and I couldn't find any sharp objects around...it was such an intense urge.

Even kendo can't save me. I can't find enough meaning in kendo to stop this nonsense about life bearing no meaning but suffering...I feel scared.

I guess, what 'woke' me from that trance-like state was Ryan's comment on a previous blog entry. Thanks Ryan. I now feel obliged to qoute his comment:

I've never been that interested in suicide. I always thought it made more sense to just do something else. I mean, if things are bad, just try something else. Like develop a drinking problem. It might not actually help, but it's worth a try. Can't be worse than death. Or hell, if you really are set on dying, at least have a little fun first. Like totally max out your credit cards on shopping. go bankrupt, change your name. Travel overseas for a bit. Take some drugs, just to see what it's like. Go bunjee jumping. Sky-diving, and if you don't enjoy it, just don't pull the cord. Call people up and tell them *exactly* why you hate them so much. If you're gonna be dead anyway, what does it matter what they think of you? Seriously, if you want to die, make sure you know what it's like to live first.

---------------------------------------------------------

I feel the great certainty of failing in exams.

Went karaoke again last night. Star Wars in the afternoon. Mostly hanging around doing nothing to fill in the gaps in-between. Talked all day and shouted all night (to rise about the noise and make myself heard; a version of talking). Throat sore.

I felt weird. I think I'm disillusioned again. I know I shouldn't fall. Perhaps I just want to feel 'loved'; just need a warm hug and to escape loneliness...maybe I just want to feel close. Alive. Wanted.

But I know I shouldn't. I know exactly how this would end up, and the consequence is not one I'm ever ready to face. I know I probably sound as if 'love' is the thing I fear most...but that is the truth, it is.

Maybe I should just hire a personal hugger.

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28/02/11

24/03/10

Finding my own happiness

021209

20/11/09

20/08/08

blah

"ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITAAAAA!!!!!!" screams Ben Sensei

Still waiting...

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All Hail Plankton!!!

To be or not to be? That is the question.

;D

Test

Drinks drinks drinks

bdae

Happy New Year

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asdf

www.colorquiz.com

Quiz

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ohisashiburi desune

Love Survey

Jibun wo shinjiro =D

子どもの話 (REVISED ENGLISH VERSION)

>:O

Shiai

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My Day 30/9/05

Chang Er

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I have a new blog =D

The "Great" Comeback

More Bitchings, gah.

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Happenings

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I don't like alcohol

Confused

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F law school

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More Randoms

I miss my mum

Hui Wen is back!

Random happenings

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Sick

Kendo

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some random late night thoughts

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boring kendo diary

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