I'm so tired of the heartache...its so constant I'm feeling numb to it yet the emotions are still so real...I really really really want a break from all of this...if this goes on any longer I feel like I'll break for sure. Can this pain please just go away for good.

Nothing can be done to repair what we've become...we both do not see any way out of this.

I feel so alone, no one to talk to...you always have it your way, you set the time when you want to talk. when you don't feel like it you jsut shut me out...kick me out of the house...kick me out of the room...run away...make yourself uncontactable...yet when I do the same you go fkn crazy.

You call me uncompromising yet what you totally CAN'T fkn see is that you are the most uncompromising of all. Why is it then that you do not accept my perspective or feelings, and in fact call me a crazy bitch for even trying to voice my opinion immediately dismissing my opinion as prima facie invalid. Sounds familiar? And you wonder why I can't talk to you.

Everything that I did has a precedent. I think carefully about what I do, assessing them beforehand to make sure it is the right thing to do and there is a precedent that you set. I even use the exact same word you used to describe me!! You never apologized for it at all, don't feel the slight bit sorry and even accused me of making it up. Yet when I used the exact same words on you, you ignored me for a week and won't reconcile until I cry & beg & apologize and admit I'm all sorts of crazy thing.

Think about it.

Tonight you said I caused you a lot of trauma. I said you too, caused me a lot of trauma. Then all of the sudden you never said that I've caused you a lot of trauma! You get so angry at me for reasons I can't see, I don't know what I did wrong today.

You said you feel like you had to walk on thin ice with me and are unable to say anything bad about me....well that is exactly how I feel...remember for 6 months you refuse to talk to me about anything until I realized that you just didn't want to hear anything bad about yourself. I can't tell you anything bad because you'll go crazy like you do now....I felt last week was unfair because only you get to voice how you feel & I apologized...on reflection that's stupid of me. I've been restraining myself for many months from confronting you about issues that deeply traumatized me....things that you never apologize for....your method of dealing with your issues is to YELL AT ME...so much so that I feel to scared to express anything.

You REFUSE to accept that's how I feel about being unable to talk to you. I've told you many times that I've never felt such fear about talking to any of my peers except you....but of course you blame me and said its all my fault...completely refusing to accept that maybe its YOU who caused me to feel this way...the way you dismiss everything I say...the way you interrupted at every word I say so that I can't even say 2% of what I have to say...the way you get angry at what I say...the way you think I'm crazy, stupid and completely wrong

I don't know what the FK you want. I don't think you know either. You'll probably tell me X today and then want Y tomorrow. That's always how its been, no wonder I never know what's the right thing to do or say.

You demand of me what you yourself can't do.

So tired of this...I need certainty in my life coz I want to be in the position to plan it and do everything I want out of it...instead of making plans with you...only to have you run away and leaving me in limbo....so I can spend my weekends with no plans jsut lying around in bed

The second half of 2010 was the worst time of my life, I can say that with certainty. I don't know what I'm still doing with you when I hate my life so much being like this.

Sick of you controlling when where how what...I have no say in anything coz you can jsut ignore me and run away. It seems thats the way you enjoy doing things.

I want my life back.

YOU ARE HOLDING ME BACK from doing what I can with it.

28/02/11

What to do...so many years yet I haven't really grown up much.

What to do with the jealousy, insecurity, needs and all other 'uncontrollable' emotions.

There is no one to tell me.

I'm looking for that exhilarating rush I once felt when I think of you...but too many things have happened to mar the feeling that the search becomes impossible.

I want it back...so very badly. What to do...

Feeling blue...I want to make someone happy and think I am happy to make certain compromises but...somehow its getting me down today. I'm falling...& let myself fall...rather than keep myself & my emotions in control...that's why I'm feeling so crazy recently...think that might be the trade off for moments of intense happiness, there has to be intense sadness to counterbalance...otherwise...melancholically happy is just not enough for me

24/03/10

Walking down memory lane...switched on the laptop that I haven't used since my final year at uni in 2007. Found documents, conversations, songs...that brings me back to the not so distant past...all sorts of emotions well up in me.

I felt like I've stepped into the life of this girl...studying law at the University of Melboure, trying to find out what life is about, experiencing all sorts...happiness, sadness, anger, fear, confusion, frustration, angst, depression, excitement, achievement...

I need a cuddle from my baby...this mixbag of emotions is making me feel extremely vulnerable.

Finding my own happiness

Haven't been eating much the last few days, haven't eaten at all today. Didn't sleep well last night coz I kept waking up feeling scared. Today at work I feel very tired, sleepy and have difficulty breathing. I don't feel like eating...maybe I just want to die from starvation but that won't be another 60 days...hopefully by then I would have come to my senses.

I'm trying my best to get my life in order again and fill this emptiness he left behind. Well I SHOULD be happy, anything is better than that boring, meaningless life that I couldn't get rid of because I don't have the courage to. I'll think only about what the future holds, not how 'great' the past was...I want to fill my future with greatness & more happiness than I can ever have.

But for now I have to get over this pain...it is inevitable and I've been avoiding it for so long. Everyone has been through this before, heck even I have been through this several times before. Its a big big big mess but I had, and must, clean this up.

When one door closes, another opens. Rather than stare at the closed doors, I'd look for the opened door.

Can't help but feel a little...I don't know...breaking up with me the week before he starts his very first full time job? All the while me supporting him financially while he bums around at home doing god knows what...I don't know what to make of it. It's like he's got nothing left to make use of me for, therefore into the bin I go.

Rather than feel old & unwanted, I should rejoice and celebrate my youth...start celebrating being single, meeting new people, doing new things...forget the past. Find my own happiness...if I can be happy with myself, then everything will fall into place.

021209

Mark Holdern, ex Australian Idol judge, was admitted to legal practice on 15 September 2009 and signed to the Victorian Bar Roll on 19 November 2009. Don't believe it?? See http://www.vicbar.com.au/c.1.3.aspx?RollNumber=4264

Seriously??! Will he give me a touchdown if I deliver a kickarse speech in court? I wonder if I'll get to meet him when I'm networking with the barristers...perhaps the Law Institute of Victoria's Christmas Party next week.

20/11/09

I have a trade mark file where instructions had only been given via the telephone and electronic communication (i.e. email). For many months, I have only been corresponding via email with the clients and its main company in France. Thought nothing about it although I do have images in my mind of what those names on my screen would look like in person. C sounds like a young chap with a well-endowed body, S & E would perhaps be grumpy old men at the top of their career in France.

The matter has been excruciatingly painful only because of the extreme difficulty in obtaining instructions and getting documents signed. Today a conference has been organised to finalize certain bits and pieces.

S turned out to be a young(ish) French bloke oozing with sex appeal and exudes such charm, I couldn't stop staring at him. When I talked, he looked me straight in the eyes. My heart was pounding from the very moment he shook my hands and opened his mouth to produce such sexy French accent.

All throughout the conference, all I could think about was how could anyone look so hot & sexy. My enjoyment was short-lived because the conference ended in less than 15 minutes. Back in my office my heart was still pounding, rather like an adolescent girl with a massive crush...I kicked myself for not blotting & powdering my face...wondered if my K by Karl Lagefeld top is suitably impressive for this occassion...upset at myself for biting my nails and not giving them enough loving attention...gotta tuck in that belly too.

Alas...back to the real world.

20/08/08

I cringe like never before having 'perused' all these rubbish that passes for blog entries. Having in my opinion matured tremendously since the last blog entry given that I have started my position as an Articled Clerk at a law firm in Melbourne and presenting the more sophisticated side of myself everyday, I think I'm quite grown out of representing myself in the manner that I did previously and airing my dirty laundry so freely.

I commenced 'full-time' work in about December last year. The definition of 'full-time' under the Workplace Relations Act very generally is a 38 hour week or a 40 hour week plus leave at a set time, which does not quite apply to my circumstance as the firm is short staffed and my Principal is unable to find quality solicitors to fill the vacancy. I stress "Quality" solicitor because there had been quite a few application for the past year and a bit but with no prospects. This leaves the remaining staff to perform all the tasks that were previously and would have been allocated to former solicitors of the firm which also means longer hours.

At times I feel overworked and underpaid. My life revolves around work and seemingly nothing else. I lose the ability to enjoy life and all the little things that I used to love, private time becomes more precious and social life is merely taking away from my rest and recuperation period.

I'm glad that I am actually enjoying work because I wouldn't have survived otherwise, although a payrise would be quite nice. A few employment matter arose that came under my care and as a matter of curiosity I looked up the Legal Profession Award. At the moment I believe the accounts department placed me under the Federal Minimum Wage which in comparison with the Award is about AUD$8,000 p.a. below my entitlements.

This is not inclusive of any overtime.

On a slightly different note and in relation to the purpose of this blog, I realised that it has already been about 9 months when I started this full time position. Most of the time, its the weekend that I look forward to, and come Sunday night its the next weekend that I focus on. Time passes in blocks of the 7 day week with the weekends being the landmark, and no wonder I didn't even think I am more than a month into this position. Of course my Articled Clerkship officially commences on 18 January 2008 rather than December 2007 when I filed my papers with the Supreme Court of Victoria, which means that I would only be granted my Practising Certificate in or about February 2009.

The advent of Facebook reconnects me in a 'third-party-ish' way to the people I used to know in high school especially as of late and it just never fails to surprise me how everyone has changed. But for the problematic internet connection at work and the lack of available time at home to utilize the broadband connection, I think I do enjoy just that tiny bit (for lack of proper vocabulary) 'stalking' and seeing how friends and acquiantances have changed. Perhaps this led me to believe that I am reacquainting myself with some sort of social life.

7.08pm alone at work. I'm surprised that the Principal and this other solicitor actually left work early today. I decided to stay and finish this semi-dirty letter to a solicitor for the business partner of a client.

There is so much enjoyment to be had from writing dirty letters. Perhaps this may reflect a strong vindictive tendency in myself, but I think the other solicitor enjoy writing dirty letters too. This is especially so when the dirty letter is directed at someone I had a personal and professional grudge against. I can feel myself 'laughing out loud' inside for every word I type, in fact I carefully and intentionally craft each phrase to sound superficially polite and accommodating but with the intended effect of (again for lack of vocabulary) a real and immediate threat - at all times in a legal fashion of course.


One thing that hasn't really changed is my indifference to structuring blog entries in a coherent manner. As a result, most entries are quite disjointed and reflects my (mostly) aimlessly wandering mind. This NEVER happens at work of course, I am very serious about structure and coherence and am quite proud of this, otherwise my Principal would, in her words, bite my bum. It's just easy and fun writing just whatever aimlessly sometimes.

blah

Omg I'm so tired now...from running around campus, concentrating & taking notes in classes and all other miscellaneous responsibilities. I feel like dropping my head on my keyboard from exhaustion...the thought of going to kendo in 20 minutes is not appealing at the moment!

1) People should be banned from going out in a knee-length flowy dress matched with a pair of tights (cringes), pink socks and a pair of very dirty & worn out runners (dies) AND...a Karen Millen jacket in mismatching colors. I feel like...I have committed a horrible sin. I've been feeling weird and uncomfortable all day - I saw my friends and other miscellaneous law students in the girls changeroom and they're all so meticulously dressed up. What can I say for myself?!

I guess being horribly mismatched is still a step up from wearing my PJs to uni like the bum I used to be (and probably still am). I brought minimal make up to uni but I didn't even have the time to THINK about putting them on. First, of course, I still need a comb or a brush to comb my hair for the first time in years.

Nooo...!!! In my first year of uni, I used to spend an hour and half preparing for uni. Now I am perfectly capable of taking 30 seconds to get from the bed to the door. To law???!!

I went to an interview in a law firm once right after kendo, carrying all that heavy shit and I don't even have the proper formal clothing in my possession. Mismatching skirt and suit, crinkly and unwashed jacket, unsuitable informal open heels and a casual shirt-like top that barely passes for a shirt.

And no wonder I was rejected :)


I am supposed to proceed to (2) but (1) is all I can think about now.


On a totally different note, I have to applaud Neostrata. AHA removes all the gunk in my face and the blackheads that used to reside permanently on my face are gone forever. I cannot imagine living life without it - I went to Gold Coast and missed using Neostrata for a day and whoa...I had to extract the blackheads on my nose that night and they're all half a centimetre strands that came off my fingernails (bad, I know), 1mm apart. How disgusting is that!

It is a lesson well-learnt and I never strayed from Neostrata ever again...!

I should post more often but for my laziness.

Wednesday kendo started off badly - my cuts are sloppy and I can't seem to do much about it, plus - this is the norm btw - I get so tired from just a few warm up cuts. I know I definitely need to improve my fitness level if I want to get anywhere in kendo. Anyway, I thought jigeiko was good. I like jigeiko with Andy because I feel like I can score although I don't score - maybe its the fact that he is not as defensive as anyone else. I felt like I did a great jigeiko - he told me that I'm more focussed this time and ready to attack. From my point of view, I just felt more confidence in my cuts from the longer warm up kihons we had

Friday was good because I can take my time to correct aspects of my kendo that I really want to improve on but didn't have the chance at normal trainings because we just don't do enough kihons! I am so happy to realize that I have eliminated by double-step. Now its just one step with a great fumikomi. Chris P later came to correct my posture, apparently i have my upper body forwards and had my lower body left behind, so he pushed me off on my bum with his shinai. That kinda mean I have to thrust my pelvis forwards? I tried that and it helps my left foot move forward faster to keep the body balance. Yay! It helps with not 'leaving the body behind'.

Khay Lin's advice when I was at Fudoshin about my right hand's tenouchi...I was finally about to work this out, although I sacrifice the straightness of my cut a little; Andy told me that it's going off to the right. Kate's advice on tense lower limbs and abs while maintaining a very relaxed shoulder and arms. I thought of Kevin Chin and hmmm that seems like the correct posture, so I had an image of him in my head all the time when I tried to relax my shoulders and tense my abs and legs. It works although it means I can't do the Andrew style straight big men cut with hands stretched out as far as possible. I can't do it without sacrificing my relaxed shoulders. Maybe I don't actually need to be so uber relaxed or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I'll have to try to work this out sometime. Anyway I did quite a few sets of 10 continuous men cuts on my brother. I wish I could do this more often!

Monday Kendo was alright, I didn't feel like my fumikomi was as great as it was on Friday and I still do the occassional double-step during the fast uchikomi and jigeiko. My cut is still short, which means I didn't push off enough with my left foot. Kate told me off for not pushing with my left leg harder. I find this quite hard probably because I wasn't concentrating on this enough. It'll probably be as awkward as when I upgrade to the one-step cut.

Son tried to avoid DB by forcing me to line up between him and DB, but sensei told us to form another line so that means Son gets DB and I escaped into the other line. IN YOUR FACE! God has his/her/its own ways of punishing people ;)

Anyway I realize that I need to be faster and in order to do that I need to be more relaxed. It really helps with the speed of my sayumen cuts in kirikaeshi. Still an image of Kevin Chin constantly in my head...must be like KevC, must be like KevC...I also need more confidence with my cuts because I still feel as if the actions are quite unfamiliar.

Also need to work on kikentainoichi. A few people told me that my kiai comes way after my cut. I don't even realize this!


I don't understand why I feel so sleepy in the daytime. I'm quite nocturnal...I'm sure all university students are :( At least those my age, not Son's.

I'd like to think that perhaps its the PMS that is contributing so generously to my irritability. The glaring sun in the morning makes it definitely a bad day. Don't you hate the sun? I'd like also not to think about how life suck in general AND in so many specific ways.

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. I want to go back to the way things were before...

My holiday suck balls. Even then, the post-holiday depression isn't the least bit better.

I don't want to grow old and boring...I can feel the wrinkles forming under my eyes already. What happened to the 3am nights? I shoo myself to bed at 10pm nowadays, regardless of whether or not I can actually sleep.


When Ren's teeth fall out, there were only the nerve endings. I think that describes me right now; my nerve endings are exposed and the slightest touch would push me to the edge...I bottled up everything, too afraid to say anything lest I worsen the situation...but it has come to a point where the cumulative effect of everything that is or had been wrong is really just...breaking me apart. I can't take so much stress. This had persisted for a while and I know you don't even care anymore.

They haunt me in my dreams...everything that I had attempted to suppress. They were vivid...I can feel real depression...anger...disappointment...fear...What the fark is going on with me...I can't calm down enough to do anything.

Go away, damnit.

"ARIGATOU GOZAIMASHITAAAAA!!!!!!" screams Ben Sensei

I'm quickly running out of things to blog. Since someone's kendo blog was abandoned, I have taken it upon myself to start my very own.

To those who miss out on today's Friday morning training - I assure you that you're missing out majorly. For the first time in ages, both Ben and Yakov sensei were at the training. I was so pleasantly surprised I sms-ed Yvonne telling her to come but I think she woke up at 9am. Attendance includes Andrew and Chris P (which don't really count because they spent the entire hour just doing kata), Andy, Son, Alex and me; so obviously I'm the crappiest one there.

We did the usual kirikaeshi, kihon men, kote, doh, nidan waza and sandan waza. I hate this, but we moved on to jigeiko. I don't know what's with me and jigeiko - its a hate-hate relationship. It really brings out my true personality and sometimes I'm afraid I might just cross that boundary into being an emo. Am I? No I'm not, I don't think so...I like wearing bright yellow.

Son v Pei
This is bad. I think I gave up 30 seconds into jigeiko. I know I can't get any cuts and this thought is quite overwhelming; I got quite scared and was shocked to discover that I wanted to cry and step out of training. Maybe this could be attributed to the depression I had been feeling from yesterday? I will myself to pull myself together but the fear was overpowering, hmm...not that I fear Son per se. I know he was annoyed at me and that just worsen my fear. Plus, what really intimidates me at jigeiko is when the opponent deliberately opens for me. I can't explain why. It was crap...actually, I was crap not 'it'. I don't want to feel this way.

Alex v Pei
My shoulders, arms, hands and fingers were so tense they hurt, but I was able to jigeiko relatively normally with him. He was good at finding the timing for hikimen. I'm not sure why I can't execute my hikikote, the only cut I seem to manage to get. I tried small fast cuts, but they still turn out big and slow, so that I give the opponent more than plenty of time to react or defend. I still go for kote because it is slightly nearer and seemed more 'reachable'. I only go for men when the opening is more obvious i.e. when the shinai is way out of the way. Why doesn't sensei or anyone else conducting the training give me more practice with the small cuts +_+ I want to work on that

Son v Pei round 2
I know he would be better off doing jigeiko with Ben sensei...I didn't really want to jigeiko with him because it'll be a waste of his time, plus it will make him miss his turn with Ben sensei. I can tell that he is getting more annoyed at me T_T I want to pack my things and go...quit kendo forever. He threatened to tickle me, so I have no choice but to attack. We had a few ippon shobu's. It's a bad habit but I usually let my opponent score the point just so it'll end, even if we had a good jigeiko.

Ben v Pei
This jigeiko is similar to Son's. I hate myself for feeling so intimidated and I'm going to get so much shit for being a Survivor Anthony. I don't know where it came from. Actually, I do know - it's just me :( I try not to show it but I'm quite scared of a lot of things, people included. I'm a loner and I give up easily. Ben sensei noticed it and made me do a kiai practice. He said to not swallow my kiai (i.e. to kiai 'men' rather than '*en' and kote rather than '*te') and that my kiai comes a fraction after the cut. I have to be more 'genki' and throw myself into the cut (sutemi) i.e. committment to the cut. I find it hard to be aggressive at kendo, maybe its a personality thing? I still feel too embarassed to kiai...I feel like I have a funny voice and everyone's going to laugh at me.

Yakov v Pei
Sensei was really kind to me and made all sorts of subtle moves to give me the opportunity to cut without being obvious at all. Like a missed kote without a strong zanshin, exposing the men. My fear dissipated somewhat. He gave similar advice to Ben's i.e. stronger kiai and zanshin, kiai coming a fraction after the cut. I've never noticed that my kiai is not timed to coincide with my cuts - even Alex noticed it.

After training, I was somewhat consoled when he told me that I have very good kihon and techniques, that my posture is really good and he thinks I have the straightest posture in the entire club (w00t!). I don't feel that way though, Son thinks I have a Dieter's posture on Wednesday, obviously he doesn't know better ;) My techniques are too sloppy, I want to be more like Ben's kihon. He didn't look like he's moved at all - its like a statue being moved on a cart, forward movements with the entire body but no other unnecessary movements.

Anyway, getting back to sensei's advice. He said that since my kihon's already so good, the next stage I should seek to overcome is the 'fast and aggressive' bit in jigeiko. More kiai and zanshin, more attacking. Sometimes I wonder if he's just making me feel good when he said my kihon is quite perfect...blah.

Like Cain said...don't think, just do it. Thinking creates a virtual vortex in your mind. Wastes time.

Its the post holiday depression. So much work to do, so little time. I can't believe I spent so much time looking for a job too and got rejected at every occassion. I'm not quite capable of funding myself...law suck. I wished I had done a different degree.

Within this blog post is nothing of substance

Still waiting...

I'm munching on that piece of intricately decorated Patchi chocolate which I didn't think I would consume for fear of ruining the deco.

This is so depressing...what should I do :'( Maybe a hot shower can cure this or a DIY facial or some other forms of pampering or maybe a shopping spree for my Gucci bag and a pair of designer sunnies. Or maybe walk to safeway and get more chocolate or cook Hiro-style crepes or read all my Cosmo and Cleos. Anything! Before I finish my piece of chocolate and not know what to do.

Or maybe less angsty blog post and actually start some positive action. I want green hair!

~Untitled~

I don't know what this is called.

Falling into an addictive cycle of depressive thoughts. Silly thoughts, no doubt.

Smiling when I'm crying. I lay my head on your shoulder and quietly cried to myself - but you'll never know that only inches away, my eyes are red and sore. I'll never show you.

A little confused last night. Can there never be some kind of proper communication going on here...it sent my imaginations wild.

I give up.